The Breakfast of Champions

Haaaave you met Darla over at She’s a Maineiac

She’s in Maine. Hence her blog name: Maineiac. All that you really need to know about her is that she’s awesome. And…she does celebrity impressions. Vlog, Vlog, Vlog…. Are you chanting? Please tell me I’m not the only one chanting.

Without further ado, may I present to you her Movies Teach Us post.

I just finished the first year in my pursuit of another college degree. Going back to school at my age brought up many long-buried memories of high school.  Now that final exams are over, I decided nothing could cheer me up more than watching one of my favorite movies for the millionth time. Its life lessons have stood the test of time.

Things I Learned About Life from the movie The Breakfast Club

  • When drawing a winter landscape scene, dandruff is a great substitute for snow.
  • Never eat your fingernails during detention because the sound is deafening and will only earn you one of Bender’s patented glares.

    Don't even think about it, bud.

    Don’t even think about it, bud.

  • Never try to prop open a heavy door with a flimsy chair.
  • You’re super cool only if you wear fingerless gloves and a red bandana wrapped around your boots.
  • If you want to get a rise out of a man, simply accuse him of wearing tights in public.
Go on, Bender. Mention tights again.

Go on, Bender. Mention tights again.

  • When discussing your detention and a teacher asks you, “Do you want another one?” always answer: “So” or “Yes” or “Eat my shorts” or “Not even close, bud.” Always emphasize the word ‘bud’. Teachers love that.
  • You can light your cigarette using your shoe.
  • You can light your cigarette using your teeth.
I am the master of the flame, baby.

I am the master of the flame, baby.

  • Ripping pages from a book and angrily putting cards back in the card catalog means you’re a rebel.
  • If you repeatedly ask a girl, “Are you a virgin?” be prepared to have Emilio Estevez pile-drive your face into the floor.
  • When you’re really fed up with school, just go to the gym and play some angry basketball. Wearing only one sneaker.
  • Cigarette smoking helps kids from all social backgrounds bond.
  • If you want to be considered ‘kooky’ just wear dark eyeliner and a giant parka, give the Crazy Eyes a lot and steal everyone’s wallets.
What. I'm cold. And I like to put Pixie Stix and Cap'n Crunch cereal in my sandwich. What.

What. I’m cold. And I like to put Pixie Stix and Cap’n Crunch cereal in my sandwich. Whatever.

  • When all the injustices in high school bring you down and you feel like you’ve lost all hope: Dance.
  • The jock will kiss you, but only if you ditch the parka and get Molly Ringwald to slap some makeup on you.
  • Even if you have to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention, in the end you will find out that each one of us is each one of us: the jock, the criminal, the basket case, the princess. So we’re all the same on the inside. Or something like that. I guess. Whatever.

Somebody Please Get a Clue

Haaaaave you met Jules? I can’t remember if we first bonded over our mutual love for Glee or vodka, but we definitely cemented our bloggy friendship with vodka at BlogHer.

Please give her a warm welcome today. If you’re nice to her, she’ll probably make you one of her chief chipmunks.

When Thoughtsy asked if I’d write a “Movies Teach Us” guest post, I didn’t hesitate. Movies have taught me so much. Thanks to the silver screen, I wasn’t long in this world before learning that killer bees really can kill, Reese’s Pieces are otherworldly-level yummy, and men fall in love with girls who actually would let you put them in a corner if it was up to them.

I recently watched my all-time favorite movie for the 10th 20th 30th time, and I thought it would be the perfect pick for today.

Clueless.

I totally didn't even pause before picking this movie.

I totally didn’t even pause before picking this movie.

Here’s what I learned:

  • “Showing a little skin” will only prolong your realization that yes, that hot guy who likes to shop really is gay.
  • The correct pronunciation of “Hatians” is HAY-tee-uns.
  • If you don’t wear your most capable-looking outfit, you will fail that driver’s test.
  • Only yellow plaid goes with yellow plaid.
  • They don’t speak Mexican in El Salvador.

Things Movies Taught Us

Haaaaaave you met Lisa? Lisa is a humor blogger who plays an unconvincing lawyer in real life.  She shouldn’t be allowed around sharp objects, anything breakable, or anything with carbohydrates.  She prefers dogs over most people, and food over most everything. Her blog will make you feel better about your own life and remind you that vodka is the answer to everything. Except if the question is “What should I throw on this fire?” Then the answer is definitely NOT vodka.

I’m a fan of the 80s. Who isn’t, really? But I like to think I’m a super fan. I also like to think I’m a size 6, but my pants say otherwise.

Whatever. I’m right about the 80s thing.

In addition to my love of Milli-Vanilli and Vanilla Ice (and vanilla ice cream), I also love 80s movies. From a 24-year old Matthew Broderick portraying a high schooler who manages to do an entire week of tourist attractions in 90 minutes, to John Cusack showing us the only real way to show you love someone is to play a boom box loudly at night while sporting a trench coat; 80s movies had a special flare.

It may have been cocaine. Actually, I’m pretty sure it was cocaine.

In honor of this beloved decade, I recently threw my hair in a scrunchie, put down my Rubix Cube, and watched a classic movie from the 80s: The Breakfast Club.

Here’s what I learned from it (aside from the fact I do not look good in hair scrunchies):

1. Pimento does not stick to statues.

This is important information for so many reasons. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered if the components of my sandwich would stick to the side of George Washington’s cement face.

I’m happy to report, based upon this film, that lunch meat doesn’t have staying power on a statue. (It also doesn’t have staying power on my stomach.)

I’m hungry.

2. Pixie Sticks are a great condiment for sandwiches.

I always thought pixie sticks were just paper wrappers filled with colored sugar sold in small sticks for the sole purpose of hyping up kids to annoy parents. Who knew they were also great for sprinkling on sandwiches with a side of Cap’n Crunch?

sandwich

I will remember this new condiment rule the next time I’m subjected to my mother-in-law’s cooking. Maybe the sugar rush will also help me get through another session of looking at her photo albums.

Probably not. Vodka is needed for that.

3. Dandruff can be incorporated into art.

I’m not much of an artist, as I like to think my art is the written word. (I know it isn’t, but let me have this.)

However, should I ever find myself in a situation where I need to depict a log cabin on a snowy evening, I will lay off the Head and Shoulders Shampoo for a few days and use my dry scalp to make the artistic piece complete.

It really gives a new meaning to “putting a piece of yourself into the artwork.”

4. Flare guns and lockers do not mix.

The combination of these two will get you detention every time, especially if you bring one to school in order to kill yourself, but then leave it in your locker.

Additional tip: If you plan on killing yourself, you may want to be in the vicinity of the weapon when it’s actually discharged.

Anthony Michael Hall is clearly all looks and no brains.

5. Claire may be a family name, but it’s also a fat girl’s name.

It’s also the name of a great place to get inexpensive earrings and jelly bracelets, which are totally making a comeback.

The 80s really do live on.

6. Show Dick some respect.

Seriously. You should.

7. Anyone can be pretty when enough make-up is applied.

Actually, Kim Kardashian taught us that too.

Before

Before

After

After

8. No one believes you have a girlfriend in Canada.

Just ask Manti Te’o. We should all take a lesson from that guy. That shit will come out.

And no one believes you have a girlfriend anywhere, Anthony Michael Hall.

Take the Dead Zone gig with USA Network and call it a day.

9. If everyone gets up, it WILL be anarchy.

If just Andrew gets up, it will lead to the violation of a fire code.

10. Movies from the 80s were often illogical and featured the same handful of actors.

Yet they are still some of the best movies around. Now who wants to watch Sixteen Candles with me?

This article is copyright protected by federal law by Lisa Newlin of http://lisanewlin.com©. Please don’t steal it, as it’s really the only thing she’s got going for her.


Papa-Papa-Paparazzi

Be wery quiet….
Cat 1

We’re hunting wabbit….
Cat 2

Cat 3

What’s up, Doc?

Heeeey…that’s not a wabbit!

Cat4

Esme: Why are you always in my face?

Cat5

Esme: Kiss it. Just kiss it!

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I’m not sure what the Sweet Potato Queens guidelines say on this, but I do notice that the apology was not accompanied by a cupcake.”—Hippie Cahier


There’s a First Time for Everything

Cupcake Dangler (CD):  While I was running errands, I ran into an old buddy, and we grabbed a drink. How was your night?

Me: It was fine…right up until the point that you stood me up.

In my 15 dating years, I’ve never been stood up. Even Mephistopheles never pulled that. He was notorious for showing up late, but he always showed up.

CD: I didn’t realize I had actually committed to seeing you tonight.

Oh no you didn’t…. The c-word rears its ugly head.

CD: I’m sorry. I messed up.

Me: It’s ok.

That “It’s ok” was the kind you feel like you have to say because someone apologized, but in reality, your feelings are still hurt and you just want to punch the asshatted douchearoo in the face.

Except for this, CD was a perfect gentleman while we dated. But it was this exchange that made me begin to realize he wasn’t the guy for me.

My friend Puddin’ put it best: “He’s nice guy. But he’s not your nice guy.”

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “That cupcake is terrifying. Look at the eyes! Cookie Monster is choking on that cookie. Why are you wasting time arguing about desserts and nicknames when you should be doing the Heimlich maneuver?”—Laura


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