I don’t know if it was lack of sleep, PMS (TMI?), sugar overload followed by sugar withdraw, or just plain crankiness, but the weekend was rough. Yes, I had fun, but I also cried on and off all weekend.
I don’t remember why I was upset Sunday. Must have been very important. Obviously.
Saturday Kiefer said something to me that I thought showed his complete and utter fear of committment.
It’s not like I don’t know Kiefer is the biggest committment-phobe ever in the entire planet galaxy universe. So I don’t understand why I get so upset when there’s an incident. Especially lately when there’s been a lack of incidents and he’s been making some great relationship strides.
But still…I get upset.
And I am excellent at hiding my tears. It’s an art I have perfected. I find that burying my head into Kiefer’s shoulder, pursing the lips shut, and concentrating on breathing through the nose keeps the tears to a manageable minimum.
Then to top it all off, I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself. How very Men Are From Mars of me. (Oh my god, I retreat to the cave. Or am I doing one of the Fs?)
Talking about what’s bothering me at the moment that it’s bothering me leads to several things happening:
- Incessant crying that makes intelligible speech impossible.
- Incessant crying leads to snot. Ewww.
- Entirely too emotional. Things that wouldn’t normally upset me begin to upset me because I’m already upset.
- Vengeful comments. I get hateful. I’m upset so I’m going to make you upset, too. So productive.
- Switching issues. I’m going to bring up everything that’s been upsetting me over the last year: “And then you gave me the smaller half of the cookie! Which proves you are a poo-head!”
- No closure. Because I’m busy switching topics, I don’t get closure on the original issue that upset me. Which leads me to bring it up the next day. And the day after that.
I brought it up to Kiefer the other night. We talked. I explained that the comment made me feel like he was distancing himself from me. He explained that’s the last thing I have to worry about. Phew.
So I worried for a few days about something I didn’t really need to worry about. Nice. Way to go, me.
Communication, shmunication.
Maybe next time I’ll bring it up right away (despite the snot flood).
November 4th, 2010 at 6:50 am
Relationships are hard work. I am so familiar with the things you mentioned in this post that I had to comment. There are occasional days when I worry myself into a state and get snappy and upset because I’m worried and then it turns out that I was worrying over nothing. It’s nice to know that it usually is nothing, but when you’re going through it, it really sucks.
November 4th, 2010 at 10:15 am
I’m glad you commented. I like knowing I’m not the only one.
November 4th, 2010 at 8:08 am
Isn’t this why we blog? I’ve found I can’t cry in front of my husband, because he thinks it’s a way for me to control him. Well, duh. I wish I had a cave to retreat to. sigh.
November 4th, 2010 at 10:17 am
I think my mom’s cave is the bubble bath.
I worry that my boyfriend thinks I’m crying to get my way.
November 4th, 2010 at 8:40 am
I ended up editing out part of my pity party b/c my friend was upset and I felt guilty.
I’d be upset too if my bf wasn’t committing, but sounds a whole lot like Aunt Flo is dropping off her calling card too.
I always worry about something only to find out I shouldn’t have.
November 4th, 2010 at 10:21 am
AH-ha! I thought I read another pity party post the other week, but I couldn’t remember where.
November 4th, 2010 at 8:47 am
Wow, those bulleted bits sure hit a note with me…I think it’s being a highly sensual (hate the term highly emotional) person! I’ve had many days like that, and they pass and I wonder what in the world was wrong with me. I’ve realized it’s just a part of who I am.
November 4th, 2010 at 10:22 am
I wonder what in the world is wrong with me while it’s happening…but it doesn’t stop me.
November 4th, 2010 at 9:12 am
I get the snot flood too. It’s hard to talk about it right away, but sometimes it’s worth it. Other times, I’m just not ready.
November 4th, 2010 at 10:24 am
Snot flooders unite!
November 4th, 2010 at 9:15 am
PMS is a bitch. About every other month or so I am a complete hot mess for no apparent reason. Anything will set me off and there I am a crying mess. It is fabulous!!!! The commitment thing..my husband was not having it. He told me that he never wanted to get married and that his music was his first priority. I was down with that, I was only 20 at the time and that thought was so far from my mind. Well 6 years and a son later we were married. So there is hope for all the people out there that have commitment-phobes for a boyfriend/girlfriend.
November 4th, 2010 at 10:23 am
So you’re saying I should get pregnant? Just kidding! I’m glad there’s hope.
I know there’s hope for Kiefer…I’m just a very impatient person!
November 4th, 2010 at 12:26 pm
Oh no girlfriend..don’t go and do that! I certainly didn’t mean to get pregnant..believe you me! It was one big HUGE surprise!
November 5th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
Oops…too late. Just kidding!
November 4th, 2010 at 10:00 am
Yup…literally had that happen to me last night. Had a conversation where I started discussing something that has been bothering me for awhile and I’ve been holding it in forever and the floodgates opened…tears, snot, emotions…all of them broke the levees holding them in. And I’m really in no better of a situation that I was before the conversation. AND I didn’t get any sleep. AND my kitties didn’t even console me. Poo poo heads.
November 4th, 2010 at 10:27 am
Oh no! And you must be super stressed since you’re moving.
Lack of sleep makes it even worse. And what’s up with the kitties? That’s one thing my cat is pretty good about. She’s not very cuddling, but she usually is when I’m upset. If she’s not, I bribe her with treats.
November 4th, 2010 at 10:22 am
Don’t be hard on yourself. The issue of commitment, or lack thereof, is a touchy one. When you’re already sensitive about it, offhand comments can be easily misinterpreted. You did the right thing talking about this, but it’s understandable why you’d tiptoe around at first.
I hope Kiefer gets on board soon so he doesn’t lose something wonderful.
November 4th, 2010 at 10:32 am
You’re totally right. I misinterpreted something he said.
I tend to wait and think things out before talking. And it was Halloween weekend. I didn’t want any seriousness.
November 4th, 2010 at 2:13 pm
I can totally relate to this. Well, except that I actually don’t like waiting to talk about things, though sometimes I keep things to myself as well. The whole crying mess though, woooo. I try hard to hold back but it never works!
November 5th, 2010 at 8:14 am
Sometimes I hate waiting, but sometimes I like waiting. I’m weird like that.
November 4th, 2010 at 2:15 pm
I have found myself at times so worried about what my boyfriend (when I have one) will think if I tell him that I am upset…how he’ll interpret that I am worried that it makes me more worried which leads to the off and on crying which leads to a shame spiral which leads to my landing in a big pile of sugar. Wait, why is that bad? Anyway, try not to knock yourself. We all do it. Kiefer is obviously really important to you and people are sensitive when it comes to what is important to you. I’m happy to hear that you talked it over and feel better. Next time, call me and we can do some deep breathing and then have some pop tarts
.
November 5th, 2010 at 8:16 am
Sugar, deep breathing, and Pop-Tarts. Sounds like the cure to everything!
November 4th, 2010 at 2:17 pm
…man oh man, I need to proofread better. People are sensitive when it comes to what is important to them. Not that I’m not sensitive to what is important to you of course.
November 4th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Thanks for sharing all of that. Have you ever had one of those moments when you are in the thick of an emotional meltdown and you are watching yourself (sort of like an out of body thing) do all these destructive things, such as vengeful comments and incessant crying, that you KNOW aren’t helping the situation but you watch yourself doing them anyway? I do that. And there is always a small part of me saying, “Why the f are you doing that???”. Sucks. Anyway, glad you got through it with a lovely ending to boot.
Next time you have a pity party, you can invite me then it won’t be just for one.
November 5th, 2010 at 8:18 am
I definitely do that. I’m always thinking, “I should stop. I should stop.”
November 4th, 2010 at 5:03 pm
I’m excellent at hiding my tears, too. Actually, I’m kind of a robot. I can’t cry. Ever. Totally dead inside. That’s me. So I guess I’m not good at hiding tears because I don’t actually have any. But I love pity parties. Invite me next time.
P.S. Totally thought of you when I read that Kiefer’s going to make his debut on Broadway.
November 5th, 2010 at 8:19 am
I heard about that! I think I should go see it. Except I have no idea what the show is about.
November 4th, 2010 at 11:50 pm
Trust me, as you can see by some of my recent posts, for me it really helps to just get your thoughts out, on the blog if it will help you. You will feel a tremendous sense of relief just getting it all out, plus all your great blog friends will be super supportive. Hang in there TA! Glad the post had a happy ending! I am pulling for you and Kiefer!
November 5th, 2010 at 8:19 am
Thank you!
November 5th, 2010 at 1:24 am
Aww, poor girl. I’m sorry you had a rough weekend, but at least you now know things are okay and you don’t need to be worried. I’m like you, though, in the sense that if I talk in the moment, sometimes I say things I don’t really mean, and it’s not so productive.
November 5th, 2010 at 1:49 pm
Saying things I don’t mean just adds more issues. It stinks.
November 5th, 2010 at 1:34 pm
I’ve had to learn that lesson the hard way. I have discovered that I worried way too many times, for way too long, about things I didn’t need to worry about. Oh well. I’m still learning.
November 5th, 2010 at 1:48 pm
You’d think I’d have caught on by now. But I have a hard head.
November 6th, 2010 at 12:32 pm
Hmmm…first of all, I hope it’s better by now. Second, part of the reason I’ve been in silent mode is that people all around me are having similar hard times. I’ve read that “Venus” is retrograde . I have no idea what that means, but maybe it’s the emotional equivalent of Mercury being retrograde? I usually blame it on the full moon whenever I can.
Sending comfort vibes your way…
November 8th, 2010 at 8:59 am
Stupid moon! It’s like everyone is getting the pre-holiday blues.