Dear Scarlett Johansson,
Thank you. Thank you very much for looking the way you did at the Academy Awards last night.
You see, Kiefer has a small crush on you. In fact, you’re on his list of top 5 hottest actresses.
Wait…don’t get too flattered about being on his list. His list also includes Pink. Which makes me seriously question his taste.
Up until last night, I’ve been unable to see you without the green-eyed monster, Jealousy, rearing its ugly head.
Moments like this may have occasionally taken place:
Kiefer and I will be cuddling watching a movie. Suddenly you come on screen, and I slide to the far, far end of the couch.
Me: Don’t touch me.
Kiefer: What?
Me: Your other girlfriend is here. Quick change the channel! Ugh, it’s too late. I think I just threw up a little.
But last night…last night changed everything. No, it wasn’t your dress. I liked the color, but I’m pretty sure I could see your undies (and I wasn’t the only one).
But hey, I admit I’m not always a fan of what’s stylish. So no judgment there. (Well, a little judgment.)
There is one thing that I have on you.
Although you may be prettier than me, at least I know how to use a brush.
Thanks again,
Thoughtsy
PS: Maybe we can team up against Charlize Theron and Halle Berry to knock them off Kiefer’s list?
February 28th, 2011 at 8:33 am
I love movies. I try every year to watch the Academy Awards. I get bored about 10 minutes in. So last night, I wandered away from the tv and then I heard, “Matthew MchoweverIt’sSpelled and Scarlett JohanSame” and thought, “Oh, I’ll bet they’re pretty together” so I dashed back to the tv. My very first thought was “killer dress!” My very second thought was, “What is with that hair?” You are very pretty. Kiefer is a lucky guy. He knows that.
February 28th, 2011 at 9:37 am
Awww…thanks, Hipster!
I usually don’t watch much of it either. I only watched 25 minutes or so.
February 28th, 2011 at 9:13 am
I don’t know how you’re going to knock Halle Berry off that list, because even when she’s played drug addicts, she looks like Halle Berry, but if you want to know Charlize Theron off his list, rent “Monster” and point out that she’s not wearing any prosthetics, that that’s really her. That’ll do the trick.
February 28th, 2011 at 10:13 am
I’ve seen that movie! She did look pretty rough.
February 28th, 2011 at 9:18 am
Kudos to you for suffering through that show. Can’t stand those award shows. Kiefer could use a good reality check on Scarlett. I’m glad Ryan came to his senses and moved on. Kiefer will wise up one day too, I’m sure.
February 28th, 2011 at 10:13 am
I only made it through about 25 minutes. I don’t usually watch them.
February 28th, 2011 at 9:23 am
Well, he does have good taste…so you that alone should make you feel beautiful since he has chosen you! Think about how they have all these make up artists etc. to groom them and we do it all on our own.
February 28th, 2011 at 12:49 pm
Very true! I hate putting on makeup and doing my hair. Ick.
February 28th, 2011 at 9:40 am
Screw Scarlett. How about we all just get excited because The Man, Christian Bale FINALLY won an Oscar! It’s about time he’s being recognized for this incredible ass…er…acting…
February 28th, 2011 at 12:48 pm
I was so excited that he won! I could have done without the beard though.
February 28th, 2011 at 9:50 am
Not only could I see her undies – but why wear black granny-panties to the Oscars? I mean, really? (… wait, those might not have been her undies? They may have been the dress? Seriously?)
Anyways. I also know how to use a brush, so cheers to us!
PS I totally have a crush on Pink. Sorry Thoughts! Can we still be friends??
February 28th, 2011 at 12:51 pm
Congratulations on your brushing abilities!
We can still be friends even though you like Pink. If we ever starting dating though, you’re going to need to pretend you don’t like her anymore.
March 1st, 2011 at 8:30 am
I can TOTALLY handle that one.
February 28th, 2011 at 9:50 am
No worries girlfriend, Scarlett ain’t (yep just used ain’t) got nothing on you. (great grammar I know). I’m with Todd up there in the comments..rent Monster, it will change his view with Charlize.
February 28th, 2011 at 11:12 am
haha awesome
shes got that whole dragged through a hedge backwards look going on
February 28th, 2011 at 11:17 am
I think, once you become as hot as Johanasson, you start to think of ways to look LESS hot, since hot is now normal and boring.
February 28th, 2011 at 2:19 pm
Dude I would do Scarlett whats her name. She is hot. My man likes Eva Mendes and Salma Hyuck. Eva is alright. I can see it but Salma’s face looks like a witch. Whatevas!
February 28th, 2011 at 2:28 pm
HAHA! I really like her as an actress, but she seemed like such a mess last night. It’s like she was trying SO HARD to look hot and sexy and “in your face Ryan Reynolds” that she just went way past hot and into bizarro-land.
March 1st, 2011 at 7:20 am
I completely forgot about the Ryan Reynolds break up! I bet he’s wondering where her brush is, too.
February 28th, 2011 at 2:50 pm
Isn’t it funny how that happens? Mr T let me in on his list back in the day. At first I was like “It’s all good cuz I’m hotter than that.” But then I started to worry. I seriously question his opinion of what is attractive so what does that say about me?
Either case, I’m over it. I’m hot and that’s all that matters, LMAO. See? That’s the attitude you need to have. It makes life so much easier
March 1st, 2011 at 7:21 am
I’ll adopt that as my new attitude: I am hotter than everyone. Except for you, of course. The student shall not surpass the teacher!
February 28th, 2011 at 3:31 pm
Okay, I used to have a thing for Scarlett, but if it mean anything I never respected her.
Now, as for Kate Beckinsale and Diane Kruger, well, I hope you’ll understand how I feel about them.
btw, I actually watched the show last night and kept a running log of snark. You’ll probably appreciate some of my fashion observations.
March 1st, 2011 at 7:23 am
I think Diane Kruger is pretty. (I just had to look her up because I wasn’t sure who she was.)
February 28th, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Yeah, Scarlett looked rough last night. I actually have a girl crush on her, but last night she lost a few points. Not only does she not know how to use a brush… when do you think the last time she washed her hair was? That looks like a really good “I don’t feel like showering for the next three days and just want to eat cereal, ice cream and watch Lifetime” hair do. Not cute.
March 1st, 2011 at 7:24 am
Someone else brought up an interesting point: She was trying to hard for Ryan Reynolds. Maybe she’s having a tough time with the break up.
March 2nd, 2011 at 4:19 pm
Blah. I don’t know what all the hype is about Ryan Reynolds. Nice body, ugly face, if you ask me. (which you didn’t haha)
February 28th, 2011 at 10:10 pm
You can’t spell “Scarlett” without “scar.”
March 1st, 2011 at 8:00 am
Chuckweasel’s “other girlfriend” is Megan Fox — so I bring up her deformed thumb and the fact that she bangs DAVID SILVER from 90210 and is therefore covered with cooties. C’mon, even Donna didn’t really want to bang David Silver!
March 2nd, 2011 at 7:38 am
Excellent points!
March 1st, 2011 at 12:49 pm
I would bet the farm that Kiefer finds YOU more beautiful than all those ladies!
March 2nd, 2011 at 7:39 am
He’d better!
March 1st, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Meh! Scarlett is attractive but her acting tends to be pretty wooden (along with her singing! ugh!)
March 2nd, 2011 at 7:39 am
I’m definitely not a fan of her singing.
March 1st, 2011 at 4:05 pm
You know how I know you’re stylish? Because I gave you this award!
http://beneaththespinlight.wordpress.com/2011/03/01/charlie-sheen-and-i-have-one-thing-in-common-were-winning/
March 2nd, 2011 at 7:39 am
Awwww…Thanks!
March 4th, 2011 at 1:40 pm
Hilarious! Do you get bonus points with KS if you know how to use a hair straightener?