Mars Needs Moms lost $111 million. After Todd* dangled that fact in front of me, I had to watch the movie to see how awful it was.
Except…it wasn’t that awful.
Let me give you highlights from the first 10 minutes:
- The cat’s name is Cujo. Awesome.
Don't feed your cat broccoli.
- Kid doesn’t want to eat broccoli. Typical. The mom should add cheese.
- Mom says if kid eats broccoli, she’ll let him watch Zombie Dawn 3. Even better than cheese.
- Mom says, “Zombies like brains, and broccoli looks like brains.” Best. Mom. Ever.
- Kid says, “Mom, nobody likes zombies. I’m committed to their annihilation.” This line single-handedly lost the movie $111 million.
Mystery solved. Case closed. Take this movie’s loss off next week’s episode of Unsolved Mysteries. (I miss that show. Sigh….)
Obviously, zombies aren’t as brainless as we think. They’re intelligent, and they took their wrath out on this movie.
Because I’m deathly afraid of aliens and their probes, I kept watching, hoping to learn how to survive an alien abduction.
Here’s what I learned from the movie:
- Old aliens look like a taller, meaner version of ET.
- Alien to English dubbing isn’t as funny as Japanese to English dubbing.
- Aliens like moms who make their children take out the trash, not buy their children ice cream.
- If you’re going to shoot a laser at someone, bring them a change of underwear.
- Male aliens are useless. All they do is hug and dance.
But the most important lesson is that being a mom is a tough job. That’s why aliens outsource it.
*I use Todd as a reference everyday. He does his leg work. This one time…at band camp when I was writing a research paper…the teacher actually said, “Wikipedia is not an acceptable source, but Todd Pack is.”**
**True story.
January 10th, 2012 at 8:51 am
I still haven’t seen this one even though I LOVE cartoons. The title i annoying thought. What’s the movie about? OH! Mars Needs Moms! Snakes on a Plane! We bought a Zoo! Hot Tub Time Machine!
Seriously, people. Learn to title your movie.
January 10th, 2012 at 8:52 am
Outsourcing is not a bad idea at all. Maybe, I’ll consult with Todd Pack.
Too funny!
January 10th, 2012 at 8:52 am
You crack me up! Might be worth watching it just for the first 10 minutes!
Did you see “Paul”. Now THAT’S a cool alien!
January 12th, 2012 at 8:38 am
The first 10 minutes are definitely worth it. I liked the rest of the movie, too.
I haven’t seen Paul yet. It’s on the Netflix list now!
January 10th, 2012 at 9:35 am
Are you seriously telling me that Todd Pack is a more reliable resource than the Wick? How did I not know this before? I must start citing him in all my legal research and motions, henceforth. Next they will start holding up signs at football games that say “Todd 3:16.” I think we are at the cusp of a revolution!
January 12th, 2012 at 8:39 am
I heard they’re making a new site called Packipedia.
That sign image cracked me up!
January 10th, 2012 at 12:48 pm
Now I HAVE to see this movie. Broccoli DOES look like brains…. I never realized that before. Wait!?! It’s all making sense to me now. 12 recently started eating broccoli. I mean what kid does that, right? He must be turning into a zombie! How long to I have?
January 12th, 2012 at 8:40 am
I think you might still be able to turn it around. Maybe….
If not, you know what you have to do.
January 10th, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Broccoli not only looks like brains, it tastes like brains too.
January 12th, 2012 at 8:40 am
Unless it is covered in ranch or cheese…to the point that you can only taste the ranch or cheese.
January 10th, 2012 at 3:34 pm
“Mars Needs Moms” is a pretty cheesy title. And that cheese should have been used on the broccoli instead.
January 10th, 2012 at 3:40 pm
“•If you’re going to shoot a laser at someone, bring them a change of underwear.”
That bullet point actually made me snort! (Oh and I also appreciate your use of bullet points.)
January 12th, 2012 at 8:41 am
I luuuuuve bullets!
January 11th, 2012 at 8:20 am
Broccoli with cheese yum!
January 11th, 2012 at 12:13 pm
I enjoy horror movies, except zombie movies. My husband find thems entertaining. So, we watched Netflix, and I looked at my husband and said “You put on a zombie movie? Really? I don’t even think you can classify this as zombie related, because they aren’t walking around moaning BRAINS….”
Broccoli with cheese, GROSS! My kids would scream at the sight of the gooey (or runny) cheese as it if were straight from a horror movie!
Sandi
http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com
Lake Forest, CA
January 12th, 2012 at 8:42 am
Your kids don’t like broccoli and cheese? I think your kids are zombies.
January 11th, 2012 at 10:07 pm
Hey! You said some really nice things about me! Thank you! P.S. I’ve been on the road, and I read something about a new zombie movie coming out where a zombie falls in love with a human. I’m hoping it’s like Zombieland, but I’m betting it’s more like Twilight.
January 12th, 2012 at 8:43 am
You say that like I usually say bad things about you?
Hmmmm…I think that kinda happened in Fido. It’s been awhile since I saw it. Have you see that one?
January 12th, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I’m just happy when someone says anything about me, good or bad! I haven’t seen “Fido.” The zombie movie I read about is called “Warm Bodies.”
January 13th, 2012 at 7:33 am
I’ll be on the lookout for it! Thanks for the heads up!
January 12th, 2012 at 4:26 am
Bleedin Aliens…comin over ‘ere nickin’ our jobs, houses and wimmin……….
January 12th, 2012 at 8:43 am
Exactly. The jerks!
July 31st, 2012 at 7:37 am
[...] an effort to win me over, someone (probably an alien…aka pod person Irene) suggested I watch Paul. Here’s what I [...]