Dear Aliens,
I saw that you recently abducted Jean Claude Van Damme…and then brought him back. Seriously? You could have kept him.
Please feel free to abduct the following people:
- Carrot Top
- Scarlett Johansson (My boyfriend’s crush. Once she’s gone, I’m sure he’ll propose.)
- Kristen Stewart
- Lady Gaga
Anyways, I’m sure you read my first letter, and I’m interpreting your silence as hostile. Now you leave me no choice. I’m going to make fun of you.
1. You only want our gold. (Source: Cowboys and Aliens)
Our gold? Really? Only pirates steal gold. Duh. At least be original, posers.
2. You land your spaceships in corn fields.
We have these places called “airports.” Air-ports, sound it out. They have flat, clear areas for landings and takeoffs.
Stop trying to showboat with the crop circles. They’re pathetic compared to our corn mazes.
Rrrrrr corn mazes are better.
3. You swipe people from Earth to study them.
98% of the Earth’s population are idiots. The joke’s on you.
Bring it,
Thoughtsy
PS: If after reading this, you feel the need to abduct me, my medical history is in the folder next to my bed, so you don’t have to…you know…do anything unpleasant.
Anyone you want to add to the abduction list?
February 28th, 2012 at 9:11 am
Please let me know if you hear back from them. I have a name or two I’d like to add to your list.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:12 am
Of course, they haven’t responded. They’re passive aggressive.
February 28th, 2012 at 9:21 am
“98% of the Earth’s population are idiots. The joke’s on you.” LMAO!!!
February 28th, 2012 at 9:31 am
Totally on board with this list! I wonder if galactic federations recognizze petitions by humble earthlings.
February 28th, 2012 at 9:45 am
But I like Lady Gaga!
Carrot Top! NO PROBLEM! As far as I’m concerned they take abduct half of Hollywood.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:13 am
Her outfits scare me.
February 29th, 2012 at 12:06 pm
Can’t be any scarier than Madonna’s or Katie Perry’s. Katie’s getting weirder and weirder.
February 28th, 2012 at 9:57 am
Corn mazes are sooo much more awesome!
Can I add a few names to your list? They aren’t famous people, so I may also have to include addresses.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:14 am
Add whoever you want!
February 28th, 2012 at 10:00 am
My list of people would be much too long for the size of their ship. Maybe they should just take me.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:14 am
They have lots of ships. Or they could make multiple trips.
I don’t think you should go. Unless they agree to let you blog.
February 28th, 2012 at 10:08 am
Maybe if we stuck lady gaga in a cornfield.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:15 am
They might squash her instead of taking her. Then I’d feel bad. And I think we’d be accomplices to murder.
February 28th, 2012 at 10:32 am
Would you please add to your abduction list:
1. Angelina Jolie. And her leg.
2. Nicki Minaj
3. Jennifer Aniston (this is my hubby’s crush)
Thank you.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:15 am
Consider it done!
February 28th, 2012 at 11:20 am
I’m especially grateful that they never seem to want to abduct any creatures but you humans.
February 28th, 2012 at 11:39 am
My girlfriend would want you to add Keira Knightley to the list. By the same token, I request Jude Law be added. Thanks.
February 28th, 2012 at 12:23 pm
After seeing the movie “Paul” the other day, everything I ever knew about aliens has been changed and updated, made a bit more crass, and is generally funnier. As he points out, how much can an alien REALLY learn from your butt during an anal probe?
February 29th, 2012 at 8:16 am
I haven’t seen that yet. I’ll add it to my Netflix queue!
February 28th, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Wait just a minute. Bite your tongue, Missy! Lady Gaga is the most important performance artist of the century. She stays. Period. That Scarlett girl is not all that. And I would not want her after Sean Penn. He’s a nasty piece of work.
Aliens have a bad rap. Some of them are pretty good.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:17 am
You’re right. ET was ok.
February 28th, 2012 at 4:25 pm
I. hate. Scar-Jo. She is soooo annoying. And I have too many people to add to the abduction people, but let’s start with my son’s preschool teacher.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:18 am
Can we start an anti-fan of Scar-Jo group?
February 28th, 2012 at 4:47 pm
Re: your medical folder. Are you saying you already had an anal probe done, just as a precautionary measure in case aliens came along who wanted to do that?
February 29th, 2012 at 8:20 am
My gyno pretends he’s an alien once a year. It’s a perk of having colon cancer run in the family.
February 28th, 2012 at 5:03 pm
I’d like them to abduct Rooney Mara (I’m so sick of her). And the Kardashians…all of them.
February 28th, 2012 at 5:44 pm
Who do you think dumped the Kardashians here?
February 28th, 2012 at 6:20 pm
Damn them!
February 29th, 2012 at 8:21 am
It all makes sense now….
February 28th, 2012 at 6:07 pm
Could you possibly add the entire cast of Jersey Shore to your list? That would be FANTASTIC!
P.S. And if they have room, send them for the unruly little parents I have to deal with o a daily basis. If I have to shank them all myself, I will!
February 28th, 2012 at 6:37 pm
LMAO. Loved this!
February 28th, 2012 at 6:50 pm
I love this list. I can think of a few people I wouldn’t mind offering up, but they’re not folks anyone outside my physical vicinity would know. 0:)
February 28th, 2012 at 7:03 pm
I had to think about it! But if I had to add someone to the list it would Rush Limbaugh! Can’t stand the guy!
February 28th, 2012 at 8:01 pm
Hilarious!!! I love, love, your blog! Will swap Crab cakes for jokes!!!
(joke!)
February 29th, 2012 at 8:22 am
Mmmmm…crab cakes. I like you. I like you a lot.
February 28th, 2012 at 8:46 pm
What about….the Kardashians?
February 29th, 2012 at 8:23 am
I’ll add ‘em!
February 28th, 2012 at 11:51 pm
OMG, this is hilarious. I LOVE it. In fact, I was trying to hit the like button multiple times because once just doesn’t convey how funny I think this is. You’re brilliant. So, would it be okay if I added to this list? Because I know a few who I’d love to see abducted.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:23 am
Add whomever you’d like!
February 29th, 2012 at 12:21 am
Fun fact: There is an intergalactic airport in Green River, Wyoming. And the citizens actually passed a law granting asylum to aliens.
The only reason I can see that aliens don’t use this airport is…well…the well armed citizenry of Wyoming. And that maybe the children of the people who passed that law in the 1980′s aren’t as into protecting the rights of aliens.
I blame the movies.
February 29th, 2012 at 8:25 am
Wow…are there a lot of UFO sightings in Wyoming?
February 29th, 2012 at 3:13 pm
Not that I know of – except during the filming of Close Encounters. And Starship Troopers. Neither of which was anywhere near Green River.
February 29th, 2012 at 4:52 am
I am so glad to see KS on that list – acting? More like emo-facing!
Being upset does not mean looking stone
Lols awesome post!
Cheers
Choc Chip Uru
March 1st, 2012 at 7:22 am
I agree 100%!
February 29th, 2012 at 12:39 pm
I’m not on board with the Lady Gaga business, BUT you do make some very valid arguments about aliens. The only aliens I ever really enjoyed are Kang and Kodos.
March 1st, 2012 at 7:23 am
I’ll have to google Kang and Kodos. I was thinking ET was the only ok alien.
March 1st, 2012 at 7:25 am
Ooooooo…I just looked it up! I didn’t realize they had names. Nice Simpsons reference!
February 29th, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Keep Lady Gaga and give them Ann Coulter. I actually think we’re getting fewer and fewer visits from space aliens. Word’s out in the galaxy. “Those people are crazy. Don’t even stop there for gas.”
March 1st, 2012 at 7:24 am
Hilarious comment! I bet you’re right about them stopping for gas.
February 29th, 2012 at 7:13 pm
My nominations for abduction are:
Jennifer Hudson (I’m sick of those commercials!!!)
Ryan Seacrest (assign them a gender before you bring them back)
Me (as long as Leonard Nimoy is on the same spaceship)
March 1st, 2012 at 7:26 am
That’s Spock, right? Totally with you on Ryan Seacrest!
March 1st, 2012 at 9:44 pm
Yep. He’s such a challenge to female hearts and he’s good to have onboard in case of Klingons… (smiles)
February 29th, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Reblogged this on Mary, Mary.
March 1st, 2012 at 9:26 am
Rick Santorum. But then they’d probably give him back. So… at least the anal probing – I mean, google him. No need for anesthesia.
March 1st, 2012 at 9:59 am
If they could take some politicians (like Santorum mentioned above) and most of the people on reality TV, it would be great!
March 6th, 2012 at 10:08 pm
•Scarlett Johansson (My boyfriend’s crush. Once she’s gone, I’m sure he’ll propose.)
Don’t take her! She’s my girl crush. Damn, I wish I looked like her.