Dear Esme,
W. T. F.
You suck.
I’m so mad I can’t even talk to you right now.
Not Sincerely,
Thoughtsy
Ms. Appear (We are no longer on a first name basis.)
Does this look infected to you?
Dear Esme,
I’ve calmed down a little, but you still suck.
What were you thinking? I’ll tell you what you were thinking: You weren’t thinking.
When I am laying on the floor doing crunches, I am off limits. Do not jump on my head and attack my ponytail. My ponytail is not your toy.
I do not appreciate the giant gash you left in my ear the day before BlogHer. If I wanted my ears pierced, I’d go to Claire’s thankyouverymuch.
As punishment, you are no longer allowed to hang out with Mike Tyson…ever again. Don’t even speak his name to me.
In the future, please refrain from scratching me and keep your paws claws to yourself.
Sincerely,
Thoughtsy
PS: You’re still in trouble.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “So if I go into a vodka-induced coma, I’m going to have to hope I have more than little boys around. Wow. That MIGHT be the creepiest-sounding thing I’ve ever said.”—Go Jules Go
August 8th, 2012 at 7:58 am
Don’t worry if you cat is not trying to use your eyeball as his toy it’s ok.
You should consult a doctor imho
August 8th, 2012 at 7:58 am
Bad kitty, very bad Esme!
August 8th, 2012 at 8:06 am
OMG, that was sudden!
You do crunches!? You’re goooooood!
August 10th, 2012 at 12:40 pm
I used to do crunches. I’m taking a break until my ear heals.
August 8th, 2012 at 8:13 am
I didn’t want to mention this before, but cats are evil.
August 8th, 2012 at 8:13 am
Ouch!
Years ago, I had the sweetest cat in the world. Then one morning he woke me by scratching my eyelid! I still don’t know why he did it (I’m guessing my eye movements looked like they’d be fun to play with). I stopped by my doctor’s office on my way in to work, and when I got to the office, the first person I saw asked if I’d been in a fight.
August 10th, 2012 at 12:40 pm
Owwwww!
August 8th, 2012 at 8:41 am
Oh no. Very bad kitty. No pop tarts for you!!
Lilo & Stitch quote FTW!
Did you get my text yesterday? It was about pop tarts or course.
August 10th, 2012 at 12:42 pm
I did get it. Sorry! Puppy is keeping me busy. He nearly ate the phone when he saw the Pop-Tarts.
August 8th, 2012 at 8:46 am
Yeeeeks! Oh, bad kitty. Bad bad Esme. That’s why I had my cats declawed (I know, very controversial and mean), but lemme tell ya, those back claws can do some damage, too.
August 10th, 2012 at 12:43 pm
The shelter made me promise not to declaw Esme or they wouldn’t give her to me. I just need to keep them clipped more.
August 8th, 2012 at 8:58 am
Does this have anything to do with Ozzy’s arrival? Could it be a cry for help? Maybe there was a big spider on your ear and she was trying to kill it for you? I know, I’m defending the aggressor, and violence is never the answer. But you two may want to talk it over in case her reasons were pure.
August 10th, 2012 at 12:43 pm
This was the day before. Maybe she’s psychic.
August 8th, 2012 at 9:00 am
Why do I feel like the likelihood of infection would be just as great if you went to Claire’s?
August 10th, 2012 at 12:44 pm
You’re probably right. If I ever get my ears pierced, I’ll let Esme do it.
August 8th, 2012 at 9:14 am
We rescued a teensy stray kitty this weekend… she’s only 3 or 4 weeks old and already my floor exercises offend her.
August 10th, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Favorite Comment!
August 8th, 2012 at 9:42 am
I waited forever to get my ears pierced and then one day, when I was wearing hoop earrings, my baby brother pulled one down through my lobe. It took forever to close up.
Many years later, my son was following me down the stairs and it occurred to him that my ponytail looked like a vine and he was Tarzan. He grabbed hold and swooped to the landing.
I guess what I’m saying is. . . OUCH! I feel your pain. . . . Esme?!?
August 10th, 2012 at 12:45 pm
I think your pain sounds so much worse.
August 8th, 2012 at 9:43 am
You need the cat whisperer. She is, so obviously, still traumatized by the move and “acting” out.
August 10th, 2012 at 12:45 pm
I’ve been watching “My Cat From Hell” for helpful tips.
August 8th, 2012 at 10:37 am
You didn’t fall asleep face down in a can of tuna, did you?
August 10th, 2012 at 12:46 pm
I wish her motivation was that simple.
August 8th, 2012 at 11:21 am
I spent two days in the hospital after a cat mishap. (Not even my cat.) Call your doctor. I got a serious infection that required two days of iv antibiotics. (Thoughtsly, no joke. You can get blood poisoning very easily from this kind of thing. You need to see somebody.)
August 10th, 2012 at 12:46 pm
Oh wow! I’m glad you’re ok. I’m good to go…for now.
August 8th, 2012 at 11:41 am
Oliver once gave me a very similar scratch while using my head as a ladder to get to the back of the couch. Itchy as heck as it healed. I highly recommend the Neosporin with pain relief.
August 10th, 2012 at 12:47 pm
I’ve been using neosporin. And I can’t stop scratching my ear.
August 8th, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Yikes! Devil kitty!
August 8th, 2012 at 1:13 pm
Esme is offering free ear piercing? Where do I sign up?
August 10th, 2012 at 12:48 pm
I’m not sure if she charges or not. And she doesn’t guarantee they’ll be even.
August 8th, 2012 at 1:32 pm
My puggles do the same thing to me when I do sit ups. Well, they’re not actually that coordinated to make a perfect cut like that, it’s more jumping on my face and lots of licks; the nails are accidental. I don’t know if it’s the ponytail or what but they freak right out.
August 10th, 2012 at 12:48 pm
At least they lick. Want to trade?
August 8th, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Kind of makes that water polo helmot look like a good idea, doesn’t it?
August 10th, 2012 at 12:49 pm
I just bought one.
August 10th, 2012 at 1:16 pm
I hope it was spelled correctly. Mine certainly wasn’t
August 8th, 2012 at 2:39 pm
Esme why? Is it a girl problem?
Hope you are ok my friend!
Cheers
Choc Chip Uru
August 10th, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Probably. She really only likes guys.
August 8th, 2012 at 2:56 pm
My dog either shoves her ass in my face or goes for my mouth with her tongue when I am doing crunches. I see this as a sign from God that I am not supposed to do crunches.
August 10th, 2012 at 12:51 pm
I wish would have done that instead. Wait…no I don’t.
August 8th, 2012 at 4:02 pm
Yeeoouch! I haven’t had a cat scratch in decades, but I remember how much they hurt. At least you were able to pull your hair forward to hide it at Blogher, right?
August 10th, 2012 at 12:52 pm
When I remembered, it was forward. I’m sure no one sat next to me on the train because the ear looked so nasty.
August 8th, 2012 at 4:47 pm
I thought we were only supposed to call you “Ms. Appear” if we’re nasty…. crap
August 8th, 2012 at 5:07 pm
Maybe esme can form a street gang with my evil Ginger cat, flannery. Her gang name is orange roughie! See, excersize is never a good idea.
August 8th, 2012 at 7:10 pm
BAHAHAHA I am dying!! HAHAHA!! Claires name drop for the win!! Esme you bad bad girl!
August 8th, 2012 at 7:50 pm
Is this when I get to say “I told you so” that cats are evil?
August 8th, 2012 at 9:26 pm
Well maybe Esme thought you didn’t want to go through life without any scars. She was trying to do you a service. But you have to do your part.
When people ask you what happened, tell them you got into a wrestling match with a lion, and whooped it’s ass.
August 8th, 2012 at 9:26 pm
Or tell them that you were abducted by aliens. The possibilities are endless.
August 10th, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Scars are sexy or is that just on guys?
August 8th, 2012 at 10:49 pm
Well that was just uncalled for! Better get Esme enrolled in Miss Kitty’s Charm School before the other ear suffers any damage. Maybe you could get the number of Evander Holyfield’s doctor. I hear he does pro bono work for like-injured victims.
August 9th, 2012 at 10:24 pm
This is why I don’t have cats. Give me a dog any day.
August 11th, 2012 at 4:07 pm
Girl, I’m sorry, but I totally laughed when I saw this post! My cat just did that to me the other day! I was doing some push ups, and he decided to swipe my ponytail too… except he got me on the cheek instead of the ear. And, luckily, I had foreseen this bloodbath unfolding in my mind in the hours before the workout routine commenced, so I had cut his nails in anticipation. Thank God for premonition!
August 12th, 2012 at 9:24 am
Wow, jacking you up right before Blogher? Bad Esme.
August 29th, 2012 at 7:30 am
[...] when Esme tried to pierce my ear the day before BlogHer? That little [...]