Every time I travel I forget something. 99% of the time it’s my hairbrush. But on my Fort Lauderdale trip, I forgot a swimsuit.
So there I was…at the beach…without a swimsuit. Fail.
So I decided to buy a tankini. I picked out two tops.
Russian Clerk: This one’s too young for you.
Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Did she just call me old?
Russian Clerk: But this one…It’s nice. What size are you? Small?
Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Now she’s just trying to make up for calling me old.
Thoughtsy: Bwahaha! Uh…no. I have broad shoulders. At least a medium. Maybe a large.
Russian Clerk: The small should fit. You like this bottom? What size do you need? Turn around, and let me see.
Thoughtsy: Uh…. ::hesistantly spins so she can check out my butt::
Russian Clerk: Maybe a medium.
Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Soooooo…I’m old…with small boobs and a fat butt. Great.
In the dressing room, I try on the top and one of the dozen bottoms she gave me. Once I’m ready, she opens the curtain.
Russian Clerk: Can I adjust and show you how to wear this swimsuit?
Thoughtsy: Suuuuure….
Let me fill you in on a secret. “Adjusting” is code for the clerk shoving her hand into the front of the swimsuit and fondling your boobs until they’re in the right position.
BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH!
Later…when the clerk rung me up…
Russian Clerk: That’ll be $120.
Thoughtsy: What?! I don’t want to spend that much. Let me get a cheaper bottom.
Russian Clerk: The bottom is $59, and the top is $59…but I guess I could give you $20 off the bottom.
Thoughtsy’s Thoughts: Yes, let’s do that. Since I did let you touch my boobs.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “When I look at the margarita picture, I see normal-sized margaritas and tiny, tiny hands.”—Laura
August 21st, 2012 at 7:49 am
42 more things to add to the list of reasons why I’ve had the same bathing suit for like 6 years and I would have chosen to swim in a tshirt and shorts.
August 21st, 2012 at 7:58 am
I suddenly want to never shop for swimsuits again. (That’s not to say I had a great fondness before, of course! Ahem.)
August 21st, 2012 at 8:18 am
$120! The clerk must have thought she was doing you a favor by fondling you, therefore upped the price. Yikes. Funny story though.
August 21st, 2012 at 8:37 am
Maybe the high price of the swimsuit included “fondling”, non-fondling suits are in the kids department. Never knew that they had TSA Swimsuit Inspectors!
August 21st, 2012 at 8:56 am
Wow, what a um, helpful? Yeah, let’s go with helpful . . . clerk. And is $20 the price of a fondling these days? Good to know.
Maybe I should plan a trip to Ft. Lauderdale. I haven’t had a good molesting in AGES.
August 21st, 2012 at 9:01 am
I’m hoping the clerk was a woman at least
That’s a quite pricey fondle!
August 21st, 2012 at 9:20 am
ahhh those crazy Russians…did she share her Vodka with you?
August 21st, 2012 at 9:25 am
I am glad that I did not go shopping for a Spedo.
August 21st, 2012 at 9:29 am
Now that I think about it…..There are probably a lot of people who are glad that I did not go shopping for a Spedo.
August 21st, 2012 at 10:04 am
I’d probably excuse myself to the bathroom and then climb out of a window. Good for bad dates or being felt up by Russian sales ladies.
August 21st, 2012 at 10:10 am
That is the scariest story I’ve ever read. Looks like I’ll be ordering my next swimsuit online.
August 21st, 2012 at 11:20 am
You let someone fondle your old small boobs for $12? I never let anyone fondle mine for under $300. Go check out my ad on Craigs List. (“Hot Grandma Likes Boobs Fondled for Cash. $300. Discreet.”-)
August 21st, 2012 at 12:03 pm
Are they taking applications? I can do a Russian accent…
August 21st, 2012 at 1:19 pm
LMAO ….. You should have haggled for more off.
She did grab handfuls!!
August 21st, 2012 at 2:18 pm
Omgggggggggg,
I really got a “”KICK”" outta this post.
damn, girl, she should have paid you for feeling up your boobs! X
August 21st, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Something tells me this is the last time you’re going to forget your swimsuit.
August 21st, 2012 at 2:33 pm
I HATE buying bathing suits…. which is probably why I’m still wearing the same one I bought in 2005.
August 21st, 2012 at 2:41 pm
The reason why I just swim in shorts and t-shirts – sales ladies scare me!
Cheers
Choc Chip Uru
August 21st, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Damn Russians! I once had a Russian (or something similar…recognizing people’s origin is not one of my specialties) woman break my personal space barrier bubble with her FACE. She then asked me what I was doing about “all those wrinkles ” around my eyes. If I had been carrying a suitcase of cash, I maybe could have afforded the eye cream that she was selling . Maybe.
I have to know- did your boobs look and feel better post fondling? Or were they just sweaty after being harassed?
August 21st, 2012 at 7:32 pm
I feel violated and I’m all the way in California with big boobs AND a big butt.
August 21st, 2012 at 7:45 pm
On the bright side, at least you got a discounted fondle.
August 22nd, 2012 at 12:58 am
I cannot think of a crueler thing to shop for. It’s the most dreaded annual ritual that all women must go through at some point. My hat’s off to you for surviving it!
August 22nd, 2012 at 2:13 am
How did you manage to wear the suit to the beach each day without having the clerk there to adjust it for you?
August 22nd, 2012 at 6:45 am
Wow. Just wow.
I tried on a swimsuit at Target last week because they were on clearance and got stuck inside the top. No one offered to help or fondle me.
August 22nd, 2012 at 7:06 am
I know it must’ve sucked at the time but this is hilarious!!
August 22nd, 2012 at 7:18 am
Find a Walmart next time and just wing it. I would have nightmares if a Russian woman felt me up!
August 22nd, 2012 at 7:42 am
Goodness, such service, Hell, I can’t find anyone in a store to even get a lousy pound of ground chuck and you get a great boob massage buying a bathing suit, damn, we need more Russians in my town LOL
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:52 am
LMAO!!!
I can honestly say I’ve never been fondled in such a way before!
August 24th, 2012 at 8:17 am
HAHAHA! So what you’re saying is I can feel you up for $20?