This post is going to be graphic-ish…and not funny. You may want to skip it.
On July 27th, I had my first prenatal appointment…and my last.
While we were waiting, Kiefer, who insisted on coming to the appointment, asked if I wanted him to come back to the room with me.
Thoughtsy: Of course. Why else would you be here?
Kiefer: To hold your hand when they draw blood since you tend to pass out. I don’t want to see you in stirrups. Or see a speculum. It seems so unnatural. (My doctor used neither.)
Thoughtsy: If you want to see the heartbeat, you have to come back.
Kiefer: Then I’ll come back. But I’m not holding the cup while you pee.
The assistant and the doctor both asked: “Oh, is this your first baby?”
Um, I’m 31 not 41. Yeah, it’s my first. Please don’t act so surprised.
The first appointment includes a transvaginal ultrasound. Translation: They put a condom on a wand that looks like a dildo and use that to look at the baby’s heartbeat.
Except for our baby….
We could only see the sac. Nothing else. The doctor said I was probably just earlier along than 7 weeks. And the bloodwork would tell us more about the pregnancy.
Kiefer held my hand through me mumbling incoherently to let them know I was still conscious through 8 flippin’ vials of blood.
The doctor warned me that I might spot the next day. And that’s how it started. But by the late afternoon, I was more than spotting. Much more. When I stood up, I felt…life…sliding out of me.
I was alone…and scared.
I knew what was happening was not normal; it was not ok.
Around 4 in the morning when the blood was everywhere increased, I woke up Kiefer to drive me to urgent care.
Blood was drawn (again). But this time my feet ended up in stirrups. There was a speculum. And forceps. And blood. And a confirmed miscarriage.
August 22nd, 2012 at 7:47 am
I’m so sorry my dear. Sending you love.
August 22nd, 2012 at 7:49 am
Oh Thoughtsy… I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you and Kiefer. I’m sending virtual hugs your way. {{hugs}}
August 22nd, 2012 at 7:50 am
Oh Thoughtsy. I am so so sorry. I had no idea.
Unfortunately, this is something that happens way to regularly. So many of my family members have dealth with this . . . and then gone on to have healthy babies. You ARE still young. It will happen. Please don’t be discouraged. I know it is so very hard.
I love you, and if you need to talk about anything, please call me. I am here. ((HUGS))
August 23rd, 2012 at 2:03 pm
Thanks, Misty. We should have Key Lime Pie martinis soon.
August 23rd, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Definitely. You just tell me when, and I’ll be there!
August 22nd, 2012 at 7:53 am
Ugh, Thoughsty, I’m SO sorry! ((((HUGS)))) But it happened for a reason! Nature has it’s ways! I know this feeling, I’ve been there…4 times! Deep breaths….and carry on. You’re not alone.
August 23rd, 2012 at 2:04 pm
You’ve been through this 4 times? You’re a strong lady.
August 23rd, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Yeah, and it’s never any easier. You’ll get through this! Glad you blogged about! It helps to get it out!
August 23rd, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Oh, wait,…that’s not what I meant…I mean, it helps to talk about it…oh, I think I’ll just shut up!
August 22nd, 2012 at 7:58 am
So so so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. Thoughts are with you, Thoughtsy.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:00 am
I’m so sorry. That’s devastating. I hope and Kiefer are ok and can take comfort in eachother. Sending good thoughts your way.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:01 am
You are in my thoughts today and I’m available if you need to talk.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:02 am
This must have been incredibly hard for you to write. Thinking of you. You know my email.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:04 am
Thoughtsy, so sorry to hear of your loss. Thinking of you and your very sad time. Hang in there, giaff x
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:13 am
I’m very sorry, Thoughtsy. My heart aches for you and Kiefer. Sending you a big, strong hug. Take care, my friend.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:21 am
My heart goes out to you. Big hugs across the miles. When I lost my first baby, my sister gave me a book called, “I’ll hold you in heaven.” It truly was comforting in my grief. Praying for you peace. I am SO sorry.
August 23rd, 2012 at 2:06 pm
I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for the book recommendation!
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:26 am
Oh, Thoughtsy, my heart broke for you and Kiefer. I’m so sorry and am thinking about you all. Please please reach out if you need, by email, phone or smoke signals. xoxoxox Amy
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:28 am
I felt such grief when I read this post. I don’t know the heartache of losing a child, only the pain of never having one. Please know that if I could, I would make everything better and take all the pain away.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:32 am
Aw, I’m so sorry, Thoughtsy. My best wishes are with you and Kiefer.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:33 am
Last week over ice creams the size of our heads you told me that something I wrote was brave and you offered your concern and sympathies. I wish I could be sitting at a table, with more ice cream now to tell you the same.
I know you’ll get the same outpouring of love and support. And my heart goes out to you and Kiefer.
August 23rd, 2012 at 2:09 pm
You have ice cream tonight, and I’ll have ice cream tonight, and we can pretend we’re at Jaxson’s.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:37 am
I’m sorry. I know this is hard. Hugs. Lots of them.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:38 am
I’m so sorry. My heart goes out to you. You will be in my thoughts and prayers… Hugs.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:43 am
A terrible loss. Always a heartbreaker. I went through a baby being born but only living 30 minutes. An awful hurt that will always be with you. I’m so sorry.
August 23rd, 2012 at 2:10 pm
Oh my goodness…how difficult…I don’t even have the words. I’m so sorry.
August 22nd, 2012 at 9:01 am
Hugs and prayers for you and Kiefer.
August 22nd, 2012 at 9:02 am
That is so so terrible. My thoughts are prayers are with you both.
August 22nd, 2012 at 9:04 am
I’m sorry, Thoughtsy. My condolences to you and Keifer.
August 22nd, 2012 at 9:04 am
This was so heartbreaking to read, I can only imagine how heartbreaking it was to live through. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending positive thoughts your way.
August 22nd, 2012 at 9:18 am
I am so sorry. I have been away for awhile, not posting or reading, but today I went to your blog. I am thinking about you.
August 22nd, 2012 at 9:21 am
I’m so sorry for your loss Thoughtsy. Sending love and hugs your way.
August 22nd, 2012 at 9:23 am
Wow Thoughtsy. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how you feel. I only know how you DID feel when you WERE pregnant. I know I don’t have the words you want to here. Just know I’ll be thinking about you.
August 23rd, 2012 at 2:12 pm
I definitely struggled with those lingering pregnancy symptoms.
August 22nd, 2012 at 9:24 am
I wish there was something I could say to help the hurt, but even though you have a lot of love coming your way I know there is still a feeling of loneliness in the midst of such pain. I’m praying for you too. Know that you are loved.
August 22nd, 2012 at 9:55 am
I am so, so sorry. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now, but I know you have a lot of support here and in “real life” and I hope that we can all help you through this. Take care of yourself. xoxo
August 22nd, 2012 at 9:55 am
Oh, I am so so so sorry. Sending you love.
August 22nd, 2012 at 10:57 am
Ah, sweetie, I am so sorry for the both of you. Sending you a big virtual ((hug))
August 22nd, 2012 at 11:08 am
I am so sorry for your loss. ((hug))
August 22nd, 2012 at 11:08 am
Oh Thoughtsy… I’m so very sorry. You and Keifer are in my thoughts and prayers. Big huggggs.
August 22nd, 2012 at 11:24 am
I am so sorry. This is a hard hurt. Please remember you did nothing to cause it or deserve it. Thinking of you.
August 22nd, 2012 at 11:29 am
I am so sorry, Thoughtsy. This must have been so hard for you to write. Sending you big bear hugs
August 22nd, 2012 at 11:38 am
Sweetheart, I am so sorry. This is such a difficult thing to deal with. Be kind to yourself.
August 22nd, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Oh, Thoughtsy. I am so, so sorry.
August 22nd, 2012 at 12:20 pm
I’m so sorry, Thoughtsy.
August 22nd, 2012 at 12:56 pm
I’m SO sorry… that’s awful.
August 22nd, 2012 at 12:58 pm
I am SO sorry to hear this. As I read your experience, it reminds me all too well about the 2 miscarriages I suffered between my children. I know the feeling of loss and the sorrow of wondering what could’ve been. May you find peace through this difficult time and don’t give up, you will be blessed again. *hugs*
August 23rd, 2012 at 2:14 pm
I’m sorry to hear about your miscarriages. Thank you for the kind words!
August 22nd, 2012 at 1:11 pm
This is heartbreaking. My thoughts are with you x
August 22nd, 2012 at 1:26 pm
My dear friend my prayers and thoughts are with you. I am so sorry.
Hugs
Uru
August 22nd, 2012 at 1:40 pm
What could I possibly say to make you even just a tiny bit better… Absolutely zilch, because there is nothing that anyone can say that will do that. So I guess I’ll just wish you peace.
August 22nd, 2012 at 2:44 pm
Oh nooooo. Oh Thoughtsy, I’m so very sorry. Sometimes words just fail, but know that you’re in my prayers. Please take good care of yourself.
August 22nd, 2012 at 3:38 pm
I’m sorry. I’m out of words.
August 22nd, 2012 at 3:57 pm
I’m so sorry for your heartbreaking loss, Thoughtsy. You guys will get through this! Take time to heal and I’m sure next time will be different. Sending positive energy your way!
August 22nd, 2012 at 4:31 pm
I know your heart is breaking. I’m so sorry. It may help and comfort you to read the book Heaven Is For Real by Todd Burpo. His wife experienced and miscarriage and while the entire book is not about her loss, the topic is covered and it softens the heartache some. Love & hugs to you, sweetie.
August 23rd, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Thank you for the book recommendation!
August 22nd, 2012 at 4:35 pm
My heart is breaking for you Thoughtsy. Praying for you.
August 22nd, 2012 at 4:49 pm
I am so, so sorry, Thoughtsy. I am sending so much love.
August 22nd, 2012 at 6:14 pm
I’m so sorry to hear this, Thoughtsy
xoxo
August 22nd, 2012 at 7:37 pm
My heart just dropped when I read this. I’m so very sorry for your loss – please know all your blog friends are sending you many hugs right now~
August 22nd, 2012 at 7:47 pm
I’m so very sorry. It’s an incredibly powerful, emotional thing to go through. I’ve been there, and can tell you that it gets better. So many people don’t talk about it, but so many women experience it. I applaud your courage and honesty.
August 22nd, 2012 at 11:51 pm
So very sorry.
I, unfortunately, know exactly how you feel. It looks like you have a lot of support though. Don’t be afraid to use it.
August 23rd, 2012 at 3:11 am
I’m so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you and Kiefer. I had two miscarriages and know those feelings and sadness. Much love and hugs to you.
August 23rd, 2012 at 4:20 am
I’m so sorry. Love to you both!
August 23rd, 2012 at 7:44 am
[...] can prepare you for a miscarriage. All of those pregnancy books I was reading…not one contained a chapter on miscarriages. Not [...]
August 23rd, 2012 at 9:26 am
Oh, Thoughtsy, I’m so sorry! I’m sending many healing thoughts your way.
August 23rd, 2012 at 9:33 am
Thoughtsy, I’m so sorry. This has happened twice to me in the last year. Earlier than yours, though. Only two other people know about it (hi internet!) but I want you to know you’re not alone.
August 23rd, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Twice in the same year? I’m so sorry.
I didn’t tell anyone about it either at first. Thanks for sharing! Hugs to you!
August 23rd, 2012 at 12:19 pm
Oh Thoughtsy… big hugs and love and all my thoughts are with you.
Thinking of you!!
August 23rd, 2012 at 2:59 pm
There is truly always a reason; although that knowledge does not do anything for the sadness that will linger for a long while. I had a miscarriage between the births of my son and my daughter – you can have another chance, you can have a successful pregnancy. Cling to that thought, and cling to your loved ones. You will heal.
August 24th, 2012 at 7:37 am
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August 24th, 2012 at 7:42 am
I am so sorry and hope you’re feeling okay. A family friend went through this and it was devastating. Be strong and know that a lot of people are thinking about you.
August 24th, 2012 at 8:11 am
OMG, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I’ve been gone far too long. Hugs!!!
August 24th, 2012 at 8:42 am
Thoughts, I’m thinking of you and sending you every bit of love I’ve got. Please let me know if I can do anything.
August 24th, 2012 at 10:00 am
So so sorry, sugar plum. Big hugs too you and take it easy.
August 26th, 2012 at 6:37 pm
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. You’re in my thoughts.
September 5th, 2012 at 7:39 am
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September 12th, 2012 at 6:27 pm
This post just made me cry. I’m so sorry, I really feel for you.
September 13th, 2012 at 8:19 am
TA,
Once again, so very sorry.
Eric
November 20th, 2012 at 8:40 am
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