Note: This happened before Christmas, but I wanted to let a couple drafts ruminate before I shared them with you.
Some days I didn’t think much about the fact that Kiefer and I weren’t engaged. Some days it didn’t bug me. But some days…it bothered me a lot.
Awhile ago, I was talking to a new coworker about Kiefer and I. And when I said how long we’d been together, I suddenly felt very stupid.
Over 4 years? When did that happen? Didn’t he say he was ready to propose a little over a year ago?
Actions speak louder than words. Kiefer’s actions told me showed me he wasn’t going to propose any time soon…if ever.
Sure, I had moved in with him while he looked for a bigger house to buy. Some people saw it as him getting ready, getting all his ducks in a row. But it made me feel like I was last on his list of priorities. And I slowly saw it as him doing the bare minimum, doing whatever he could to make me stay without fully committing to me.
Then I realized I’m the only person who will make my wants a priority.
I’m the one who is responsible for my own happiness.
And that meant not waiting any longer.
January 30th, 2013 at 8:44 am
Well, good for you for taking your own happiness into your own hands. We talked about this a bit before Christmas, as well. Did you ever make any decision? Can’t wait to see you next week so we can catch up!!
January 30th, 2013 at 10:20 am
I’m looking forward to our key lime pie martinis!
January 30th, 2013 at 8:44 am
Wow! You and I are in very similar boats. Four and a half years for me in February. We should have a discussion.
January 30th, 2013 at 10:21 am
Feel free to send me an email (thghtsappear@gmail.com)!
Apparently, there are quite a few of us. At the salon yesterday, the girl working on me was in the same spot.
January 30th, 2013 at 8:59 am
So what conclusion did you come to? I’m really hoping for a happy ending here. And also some tips
I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 years now (next week is our anniversary). NINE! How did that happen? I know EXACTLY what you mean about actions speaking louder than words (although Jan has never said he was almost ready. Not sure if that makes it better or worse).
January 30th, 2013 at 10:23 am
I don’t have any tips that worked for me. Although my brother proposed to his girlfriend after she gave him the silent treatment for a week or so. That may work for you!
January 30th, 2013 at 9:01 am
Oh my gosh this sounds like something I wrote years ago! I had been dating my boyfriend for four years thinking at any moment he might pop the question. When I brought it up I suddenly realized it was the furthest thing from his mind. I was soooo disapointed. I gave him an ultimatum, and broke it off with him… Sigh.
It took him about six weeks to get his mind caught up to actions. I still had a few months to wait for the ring, but he came around. We have been married for fifteen years now.
I guess I just had to say something because I know exactly what this feels like.
January 30th, 2013 at 10:25 am
I’m so glad it worked out for you! Kiefer and I broke up once before because he hadn’t asked. And after a month or so, we got back together because he said he was all in and was going to ask. Over a year later…no proposal.
January 30th, 2013 at 3:03 pm
I think that as women we need our guy to pursue us. We don’t always think about it like that, but it’s a deep desire we have to want to be amazing “enough” so that he can’t help himself but need you and want you. Your situation is tricky now too, because you are living together. Some people (guys?) don’t understand the reason of the “technicality” once they are at that point…
Although you were vague in your post, I think you are doing the right thing in finding your happiness. It would be cute and creative to have you propose to him, but it would never satisfy that craving you have deep inside to have him WANT to do it. Would you regret it because you just need him to MAN UP and do what he said he would do?
In some ways, my husband’s relaxed nature set me up for danger in our future because my he stopped pursuing me (life gets busy and why chase what you already have?) Well, I’ll tell you why: Because someone else started pursuing me. We were just friends, and he was too old for me, so I thought little of it. But oh my gosh…I can’t even tell you how good it felt to be pursued. I fell flat on my face with that one.
Sometimes it sucks to be human. And I’m getting all deep on you, so I’m sorry for that. I just can’t even make a joke out of this…so I’ll just do a raspberry tongue and spit all over my keyboard. There.
Happy, happy, happy…finding it.
January 30th, 2013 at 9:12 am
Well this makes my heart hurt but also makes me really proud of you, Thoughtsy. A tough decision to make for sure.
January 30th, 2013 at 10:16 am
Oh my goodness, did you make a decision?
I dated my husband for three years before he proposed, and I was on the verge of leaving him when he finally did. Seriously, I planned to break it off the same weekend he asked me to marry him, he just so happened to beat me to it.
I don’t know your situation, but whatever happens, I wish you the best.
January 30th, 2013 at 10:18 am
Thank you soooo much for this post. I am really looking forward to future posts.
January 30th, 2013 at 10:23 am
Same thing here. Four years and nothing, and I even live with him too. No signs of EVER getting married – furthest thing from his mind. What did you decide to do Thoughtsy? I feel for you and know exactly what you are going through. If Kiefer is not going to commit, then it is time to move on and out of his house. Good luck and I wish you well in everything! Hugs!
January 30th, 2013 at 10:27 am
I hope whatever happened you feel good about it and is a step in the right direction.
January 30th, 2013 at 10:34 am
Don’t you hate when a revelation like that hits you smack in the head? It’s like “WHOOAAAA wait a sec here…..WTF!?” Do what your female gut tell you! You and Kiefer seem like a great couple, the kids are happy, but how about you?
January 30th, 2013 at 10:45 am
Ohh my God you just wrote down all of my feelings. ALL OF THEM!!! Last priority: check. Bare minimum: check. Add to that the fact that I have FINALLY found a house and convinced him that moving from this dump is a good plan and I just found out this morning that it’s under contract. I cried. Read the comment about the silent treatment working. So funny, but here’s the thing: I subscribe to the girl theory that if I had to talk you into it or make you do it, then it doesn’t count and you didn’t want to. What did you decide to do? This is seriously THE MOST frustrating place to be.
January 30th, 2013 at 10:54 am
I totally gave an ultimatum to both of my husbands and spent the entire first marriage (and the second so far) feeling like a case of herpes. I will always wonder if it was their choice or mine. I can’t say that giving an ultimatum is a good idea, but I do think making your goals clear is mandatory.
January 30th, 2013 at 2:17 pm
I tried the ultimatum thing (except I didn’t even ask for a proposal – just for him to decide what the hell he wants!!). I failed miserably though…. I ended up not actually moving out!! Yeah, I suck. Grrr.
January 30th, 2013 at 2:45 pm
Men are like children. You can’t give them punishments that you don’t want to carry out. LOL
January 31st, 2013 at 6:42 am
I know
To be fair to him though, things did improve between me giving the ultimatum and the time I was supposed to move out – and he hasn’t slipped back into old habits, so it wasn’t completely for nothing.
January 31st, 2013 at 1:48 pm
And sometimes it is not. I mean, how else do you tell a guy “buckle down or hit the road?” Men are simple– they need to be given distinct instructions or they just act like overgrown boys.
February 4th, 2013 at 2:14 pm
Lol, yes that sounds very true and apt!
January 31st, 2013 at 8:57 am
@UndercoverL: your description of your 1st and now 2nd marriage is EXACTLY what I’m talking about! It’s gotta be his idea or in my head it just won’t count and it will eat away at me forever. Buuuut… I am losing my patience. Almost 5 years in, living together for 2 1/2 and I am really feeling the need to move forward or move on. Cause being stuck in this limbo makes you feel like you’re just not worth them taking the leap.
January 31st, 2013 at 1:50 pm
I agree with you! Men need to believe it’s their idea. Also, there is a lot to be said for reverse psychology: maybe you could tell him you are not sure if you want to get married, and perhaps you might be interested in this new concept of an ‘open relationship.’ For some reason, men don’t like it when women act like men. Maybe that’ll shape him up. For your sake, don’t sell yourself short, no matter what you choose. (As for me, if marriage #2 doesn’t work out, I am anti-marriage…. or maybe lesbian. LOL)
January 30th, 2013 at 10:50 am
I think a big part of marriage is getting your ducks in row *together*. The question is whether or not you choose this person to be your duck-wrangling partner. Your wants will probably not be his first priority, but in my experience that’s totally normal. Having said that, you do deserve to know that this is going where you’d like it to go because that is more than a mere want; it’s your LIFE. Just my thoughts on it…
January 30th, 2013 at 11:12 am
This is a hard post to “like” because I understand it’s a very difficult thing to go through.
But this part I do like: . . . Then I realized I’m the only person who will make my wants a priority.I’m the one who is responsible for my own happiness.
It’s good to see you being good to you. You deserve happiiness.
February 4th, 2013 at 2:17 pm
Agreed, I felt the same for clicking the like button too. But then I realised (looking back) that this post took a lot of courage for thoughtsy to write and that she would want to share it with all of us too.
January 30th, 2013 at 11:36 am
I nominate you the queen of cliff hangers!
I’m happy that you took your own happiness in your own hands. You deserve a complete and happy life.
January 30th, 2013 at 12:11 pm
Some times it takes us a while to see things we don’t want to see and to take action for our own good. Proud of you for stepping up to the plate on your own behalf.
January 30th, 2013 at 12:29 pm
Cliff hanger!! Well …..what did you do? What was the outcome?
January 30th, 2013 at 12:34 pm
So I am most definitely not one to give advice, but here are my thoughts. He cares about you…and enjoys your company..obviously. When you broke up the first time he realized his comfort blanket was yanked away, and when that happens the mind and heart say things that FEEL true in that moment, but may not be how we really feel. I am so guilty of this. Then you get back together,and the comfort is back, so things go right back to how they were. He may not have ever proposed, but in that moment of panic when you were gone may have felt ready to marry the next day. It’s impulses that settle once the blanket is returned.
I’m sorry this happened, it can’t be easy. You made the right decision for yourself though, and you will get someone that will propose to you sooner than you expect. With a Poptart in hand.
January 30th, 2013 at 12:52 pm
I agree with everyone else and their sentiments. I’m glad you are following what your heart and you need. Any decision made (to stay or leave) in a relationship should be one made with great thought and care. I am hoping and wishing all the best with whatever decision you made. xoxoxo
January 30th, 2013 at 3:02 pm
I am all fo you to take your matters into your own hands my friend, my best to you
Cheers
CCU
January 30th, 2013 at 3:09 pm
Proud of you. I’m certain it wasn’t an easy move.
January 30th, 2013 at 5:01 pm
If you want to get married, meet and fall in love with someone who is not allergic to the idea. Or take what you have and be happy with it. You are so right. It is your choice!
Thoughtsy, I had a friend (male) tell me not long ago that it takes about 6 months to know if something is going further or it isn’t. He says people plateau after six months which is the same as cool off. I think he may be right.
January 30th, 2013 at 6:15 pm
I am wishing you the absolute best. I hope your dreams come true
January 30th, 2013 at 9:42 pm
You’re definitely not alone, which I’m sure you’ve gathered based on all of the comments above. I haven’t been there myself, but I’ve known plenty of people who have. I hope everything works out, I’m sure it will.
January 31st, 2013 at 5:42 am
I wish you all the best – sometimes you have to do what makes you happy. I hope everything works out for you.
January 31st, 2013 at 8:56 am
I spent twelve years waiting for a proposal, even through all the abuse and the fighting and the hurt, I still had a tiny fleck of hope that he would one day propose. And one time in there he proposed to me, with a ring I bought, and in the kitchen while I was cooking. Nothing romantic. No bells and whistles. I said yes, then returned the ring and told him we’re not getting married because even I know buying my own engagement ring was a sign that he would never do it on his own. I think I finally left about 2 years later.
February 1st, 2013 at 1:12 am
Thoughtsy, you are at the crossroads of your life. Whatever you do, I’m wishing the very best for you. Keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out!
February 3rd, 2013 at 8:36 am
I’m proud of you! It is really, really hard to look out for #1 sometimes.
February 4th, 2013 at 9:16 am
This could have been a sad post, but instead . . . I finished it with a sense of hope. There are amazing things coming your way.
February 4th, 2013 at 2:38 pm
Such a brave person! Thoughtsy you’re the best, you had a really difficult year of last and you’ve still kept up your spirits & humour through out it all (albeit) for the blog. I am sorry to hear of your relationship ending (and I know, I’m) late on the blog catch up too!
Life throws those curves! Sometimes often sometimes few. I think you’ve had your fair share of late but ultimately, you’re very right because only you can be responsible for what’s going to make you happy. And that takes a lot of courage!
I was in a relationship (some time ago) with a man 20 yrs my senior. In hindsight, (that was a bit of a gap!) I thought by being with someone who was older, (supposedly wiser) more financially secure, etc -owned two homes, more well travelled… Well to the point I thought it meant that he would be good for me. Alas it was on paper and not in real life.
He was a confirmed bachelor for 20yrs for a reason.
Prior to this I only dated guys who were older, because I thought they’d be better than young dilly boys round my own age! (I wasn’t sure of the age gap between you & Keifer cause of the kids.)
Then a funny thing happened after the break up. I met a guy, at my workplace (my own age) who’d been working (wait for it…7 years!) but we’d never met before that! It was a set up between mutual friends (but because I’d been off dating these ‘other guys’) I didn’t see the guy I’d been walking by, pretty much every day.
We’ve now been together for 5 yrs, (we’re not married) but we are at the same stage in life. He’s the best thing that every happened to me. I should add that during this time, I’ve known two of my friends who’ve met guys, fallen in love & married/then divorced during that time. (So understandably (we’re both) a bit wary of rush decisions.)
Nonetheless (apologies for this very long reply,) sometimes you step out of something without knowing where the decision might take you. Then literally, there might be someone who has been there “all this time!” Who is right, who is perfect for you and who has been waiting (just like you) for the perfect moment to meet you!!!
Ps totally feel free to amend this reply or delete it, I know it’s long!
February 5th, 2013 at 8:56 am
Thank you for the comment! I’m glad everything is working out for you. =)
PS: I love long comments!
February 6th, 2013 at 5:45 am
It’s going to be the same for you too Thoughtsy, I just know it. Sometimes what you’re looking for is literally around the corner!