Tag Archives: Music

And Two Tylenols Later, A Baby Was Born

Guy in Childbirth Class: So…do you think my wife could just take a couple Tylenol and be ok through labor?

I wanted to smack him. Partially because earlier he insisted his punctured spleen from a car accident a couple years ago never really hurt.

I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

Translation: I cry only a little when I slowly peel off a band aid.

Taking this off will be a doozy.

Real Translation: Because needles freak me out, I won’t let the dentist numb me when filling cavities.

I’m that person nearly passes out at blood draws, and afterwards I feel stupid because I didn’t even feel the needle.

So I decided to last as long as I could drug-free and then assess the drug situation because…

  • I was a 9-pound (and however many ounces) baby.
  • Boo was a 23-inch long baby.
  • Radley was a 9-pound baby.
  • Our baby measured in the 70th percentile.
  • Except for her head. She’s in the 93rd percentile. Our baby has a big head.
  • After Sunday’s false labor contractions for over 12 hours, I almost slammed my head into the wall to knock myself out just so I could get some rest.

My birth plan said…

  1. Knock me out.
  2. Wake me up after the baby arrives.

I wish that had been an option. It actually said…

  1. Drugs: Maybe. Not Tylenol.

After laboring at home for 15-16 hours, I decided it was time to go to the hospital. When I got there, I was 7 centimeters dilated…and every nurse seemed concerned I was about to give birth in the hallway, so I asked for drugs that last an hour, hoping that was all I would need.

That resulted in me telling everyone that I made the staff red velvet cookies, and they should get one from the nurses station.

And after that sweet hour of mild relief with barely any more dilation, I asked for the epidural.

Kiefer: Are you sure you don’t want to try walking around first to see if it speeds things up?

Me: Kiefer…I’m done. I want…the epidural.

When you say someone’s name, they know you mean business.

When the anesthesiologist came in…

Anesthesiologist: How are you doing?

Me: I’m done.

Unfortunately for me, the baby hadn’t come out yet, so I wasn’t actually done.

One epidural and 3 hours later, I was 10 centimeters dilated with a bag of water still in tact. The midwife popped it, and we got the show on the road.

Then I noticed that I could see my legs and stuff in the reflection of the lamp light. I think that’s when my coochie snorcher decided it was done despite the baby still being inside.

After pushing for a bit, they turned down the epidural. After pushing for 4 hours with little progress and a baby suspected to be sunny side up, we discussed other options.

Scout finally arrived after nearly 29 hours of labor. The last 5-10 minutes was extremely unpleasant—I’ll leave it at that.

Her head was too big for my nether regions but not too big for this hat.

Hat


The Sound of Music’s Favorite Things: A Copper Kettle? Seriously?

Last night as I flipped through the TV channels, I almost stopped on Piranhaconda. Almost.

Surely Michael Madsen from Reservoir Dogs wouldn’t lead me astray, right?

Well, I don’t know why I came here tonight….

You got a little something behind your ear. Sit still and lemme get that for you.

After reading that Piranhaconda was a sequel to Sharktopus, I decided I really should watch the movies in order and ended up watching The Sound of Music instead.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

  • A doe is a female deer.
  • Carrie Underwood, bless her heart, can sing beautifully, but she can’t act.
  • Austrians don’t eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Just jam sandwiches.
  • Singing loudly drowns out thunder.
  • “I smoke a big cigar” is probably code for something dirty.
  • Hills don’t just have eyes, they’re alive.
  • Some people don’t like festive wrapping paper. They prefer brown paper packages tied up with strings.
  • Vampire Bill Compton can sing.

    When you open your mouth to sing, please don’t sound like Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia. Please….

Most importantly, I learned Maria and I have very different favorite things. Who the heck likes copper kettles? I’m totally with her on the crisp apple strudels though.

My song would go something like, “Sprinkles on Pop-Tarts and icing on cupcakes….”

What are your favorite things?


Look Down, Look Down

Phantom of the Opera was the very first musical I saw on Broadway. Followed by Miss Saigon. Which was followed by The Lion King. But the fourth Broadway musical was Les Miserables.

And I loved it. That opening music makes my whole body tremble.

Usually I make a trip (or two) up to NYC each year, but with so much going on, I haven’t been. As a substitute, I watched the movie version of Les Mis.

Les-Miserables-2012-Movie-Poster

Here’s what I learned:

  • If you give a thief all of your silver, he’ll feel so guilty that he’ll spend the rest of his life making up for it. Remember this the next time you’re mugged: Give generously.
  • If your super power is super strength, never lift anything heavy in front of anyone else. Your cover will be blown.
  • It’s impossible to hide in Paris. It must be a very small place.
  • Innkeepers will charge you for mice… for lice…and for looking in the mirror twice.
  • “On My Own” is the theme song of any girl with a crush.
  • “To love another person is to see the face of God.”

Most importantly, I learned that some movie stars can actually sing. Who knew? Maybe they can’t sing as well as the Broadway performers, but they hold their own.

Favorite Comments From Last Post: Everyone who used the puppies pun…and said “asshat.”


John Dies at the End…Or Does He?

Over the weekend, I tried to watch a lot movies on Netflix Instant Viewing. 

I turned most of them off after 10 minutes (i.e., Cheerleader Ninjas and Da Hip Hop Witch—Don’t be fooled. Eminem may be in it, but it’s still a B movie.), but I then I stumbled across John Dies at the End.

I know what you’re thinking because I thought it, too: Interesting title. Except now I know how it ends. Buuuuuut…what if that’s not how it ends? What if the title is a trick? Or it’s opposite day.

There was only one thing to do. Watch it.

Here’s what I learned:

  • “Tomorrow’s the day we kill the President” means “Pick up some beer.”
  • If a girl explodes and bursts into snakes, she’s a ghost.
  • If a doorknob turns into a penis, men consider the door unopenable…even if it’s unlocked.
  • There is a drug called “Soy Sauce.”

    The first hit is free....

    The first hit is free….

  • Just because you rip a guy’s arm off doesn’t mean the arm still can’t strangle you.
  • Any injuries to your face can be explained in this way: “I fell…on a drill.”

Most importantly, I learned it’s a crime to unleash giant killer spiders on an unarmed crowd. It’s called arachnacide.

How many years in prison should you get for arachnacide?

Favorite Comment From Last Post:

  • “Happy birthday! Is that an apple over on the right? What’s that doing there?”—Laura
  • “Happy Birthday! Rock the hardness all day! Wait. That doesn’t sound right….”—SusieLindau

Two Peas in a Pod, Two Yolks in an Egg

A little over a month ago, I made scrambled eggs for breakfast. Scrambled eggs with feta cheese, ham, spinach, and tomato.*

*I want you to know how I like my eggs in case you ever invite me over for breakfast. I also like Pop-Tarts. But you probably already knew that. My food preferences aren’t really relevant to this story.

What is important to this story is that when I cracked open the egg…two yolks dropped into the pan.

Very superstitious, writing’s on the wall….
Very superstitious, two yolks into my pan fall….

Before I ate them, I Googled it to see if it was safe bad luck to eat two yolks from one egg.

As it turns out, two yolks in one egg means a marriage is coming soon….

This was my breakfast’s attempt at foreshadowing. This is also my blog’s attempt at foreshadowing.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Mr. Lion seems so placid in that picture. It’s almost as if he’s sleeping… or inanimate.”—Peter Licari


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