Tag Archives: Music

And Two Tylenols Later, A Baby Was Born

Guy in Childbirth Class: So…do you think my wife could just take a couple Tylenol and be ok through labor?

I wanted to smack him. Partially because earlier he insisted his punctured spleen from a car accident a couple years ago never really hurt.

I have a pretty high pain tolerance.

Translation: I cry only a little when I slowly peel off a band aid.

Taking this off will be a doozy.

Real Translation: Because needles freak me out, I won’t let the dentist numb me when filling cavities.

I’m that person nearly passes out at blood draws, and afterwards I feel stupid because I didn’t even feel the needle.

So I decided to last as long as I could drug-free and then assess the drug situation because…

  • I was a 9-pound (and however many ounces) baby.
  • Boo was a 23-inch long baby.
  • Radley was a 9-pound baby.
  • Our baby measured in the 70th percentile.
  • Except for her head. She’s in the 93rd percentile. Our baby has a big head.
  • After Sunday’s false labor contractions for over 12 hours, I almost slammed my head into the wall to knock myself out just so I could get some rest.

My birth plan said…

  1. Knock me out.
  2. Wake me up after the baby arrives.

I wish that had been an option. It actually said…

  1. Drugs: Maybe. Not Tylenol.

After laboring at home for 15-16 hours, I decided it was time to go to the hospital. When I got there, I was 7 centimeters dilated…and every nurse seemed concerned I was about to give birth in the hallway, so I asked for drugs that last an hour, hoping that was all I would need.

That resulted in me telling everyone that I made the staff red velvet cookies, and they should get one from the nurses station.

And after that sweet hour of mild relief with barely any more dilation, I asked for the epidural.

Kiefer: Are you sure you don’t want to try walking around first to see if it speeds things up?

Me: Kiefer…I’m done. I want…the epidural.

When you say someone’s name, they know you mean business.

When the anesthesiologist came in…

Anesthesiologist: How are you doing?

Me: I’m done.

Unfortunately for me, the baby hadn’t come out yet, so I wasn’t actually done.

One epidural and 3 hours later, I was 10 centimeters dilated with a bag of water still in tact. The midwife popped it, and we got the show on the road.

Then I noticed that I could see my legs and stuff in the reflection of the lamp light. I think that’s when my coochie snorcher decided it was done despite the baby still being inside.

After pushing for a bit, they turned down the epidural. After pushing for 4 hours with little progress and a baby suspected to be sunny side up, we discussed other options.

Scout finally arrived after nearly 29 hours of labor. The last 5-10 minutes was extremely unpleasant—I’ll leave it at that.

Her head was too big for my nether regions but not too big for this hat.


The Sound of Music’s Favorite Things: A Copper Kettle? Seriously?

Last night as I flipped through the TV channels, I almost stopped on Piranhaconda. Almost.

Surely Michael Madsen from Reservoir Dogs wouldn’t lead me astray, right?

Well, I don’t know why I came here tonight….

You got a little something behind your ear. Sit still and lemme get that for you.

After reading that Piranhaconda was a sequel to Sharktopus, I decided I really should watch the movies in order and ended up watching The Sound of Music instead.

Here’s what I learned from the movie:

  • A doe is a female deer.
  • Carrie Underwood, bless her heart, can sing beautifully, but she can’t act.
  • Austrians don’t eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Just jam sandwiches.
  • Singing loudly drowns out thunder.
  • “I smoke a big cigar” is probably code for something dirty.
  • Hills don’t just have eyes, they’re alive.
  • Some people don’t like festive wrapping paper. They prefer brown paper packages tied up with strings.
  • Vampire Bill Compton can sing.

    When you open your mouth to sing, please don’t sound like Pierce Brosnan in Mamma Mia. Please….

Most importantly, I learned Maria and I have very different favorite things. Who the heck likes copper kettles? I’m totally with her on the crisp apple strudels though.

My song would go something like, “Sprinkles on Pop-Tarts and icing on cupcakes….”

What are your favorite things?

Look Down, Look Down

Phantom of the Opera was the very first musical I saw on Broadway. Followed by Miss Saigon. Which was followed by The Lion King. But the fourth Broadway musical was Les Miserables.

And I loved it. That opening music makes my whole body tremble.

Usually I make a trip (or two) up to NYC each year, but with so much going on, I haven’t been. As a substitute, I watched the movie version of Les Mis.


Here’s what I learned:

  • If you give a thief all of your silver, he’ll feel so guilty that he’ll spend the rest of his life making up for it. Remember this the next time you’re mugged: Give generously.
  • If your super power is super strength, never lift anything heavy in front of anyone else. Your cover will be blown.
  • It’s impossible to hide in Paris. It must be a very small place.
  • Innkeepers will charge you for mice… for lice…and for looking in the mirror twice.
  • “On My Own” is the theme song of any girl with a crush.
  • “To love another person is to see the face of God.”

Most importantly, I learned that some movie stars can actually sing. Who knew? Maybe they can’t sing as well as the Broadway performers, but they hold their own.

Favorite Comments From Last Post: Everyone who used the puppies pun…and said “asshat.”

John Dies at the End…Or Does He?

Over the weekend, I tried to watch a lot movies on Netflix Instant Viewing. 

I turned most of them off after 10 minutes (i.e., Cheerleader Ninjas and Da Hip Hop Witch—Don’t be fooled. Eminem may be in it, but it’s still a B movie.), but I then I stumbled across John Dies at the End.

I know what you’re thinking because I thought it, too: Interesting title. Except now I know how it ends. Buuuuuut…what if that’s not how it ends? What if the title is a trick? Or it’s opposite day.

There was only one thing to do. Watch it.

Here’s what I learned:

  • “Tomorrow’s the day we kill the President” means “Pick up some beer.”
  • If a girl explodes and bursts into snakes, she’s a ghost.
  • If a doorknob turns into a penis, men consider the door unopenable…even if it’s unlocked.
  • There is a drug called “Soy Sauce.”

    The first hit is free....

    The first hit is free….

  • Just because you rip a guy’s arm off doesn’t mean the arm still can’t strangle you.
  • Any injuries to your face can be explained in this way: “I fell…on a drill.”

Most importantly, I learned it’s a crime to unleash giant killer spiders on an unarmed crowd. It’s called arachnacide.

How many years in prison should you get for arachnacide?

Favorite Comment From Last Post:

  • “Happy birthday! Is that an apple over on the right? What’s that doing there?”—Laura
  • “Happy Birthday! Rock the hardness all day! Wait. That doesn’t sound right….”—SusieLindau

Two Peas in a Pod, Two Yolks in an Egg

A little over a month ago, I made scrambled eggs for breakfast. Scrambled eggs with feta cheese, ham, spinach, and tomato.*

*I want you to know how I like my eggs in case you ever invite me over for breakfast. I also like Pop-Tarts. But you probably already knew that. My food preferences aren’t really relevant to this story.

What is important to this story is that when I cracked open the egg…two yolks dropped into the pan.

Very superstitious, writing’s on the wall….
Very superstitious, two yolks into my pan fall….

Before I ate them, I Googled it to see if it was safe bad luck to eat two yolks from one egg.

As it turns out, two yolks in one egg means a marriage is coming soon….

This was my breakfast’s attempt at foreshadowing. This is also my blog’s attempt at foreshadowing.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Mr. Lion seems so placid in that picture. It’s almost as if he’s sleeping… or inanimate.”—Peter Licari


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