impatiently wait for Netflix to send me what I expect will be the ultimate holiday movie—The Gingerdead Man—I watched another holiday movie: Elf.
Here’s what I learned:
- Gum on the street is not free candy.
- Santa is a jerk. Why doesn’t he just give Buddy a ride home? Instead he has to travel by iceberg from the North Pole to New York.
- Don’t talk to or hug strangers. Especially raccoons. They will cut you.
- Elves only need 40 minutes of sleep a night. (Note to self: Hire an elf-nanny once the baby is born.)
- The breakfast of champions elf style consists of Pop-Tarts, spaghetti, and maple syrup.
Hmmm…Pop-Tarts…I think I’m part elf.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I would never be able to leave PopTarts on my bedside table. Oliver would eat the whole box. And get his head stuck in the box.”—Kitten Thunder’s Girl
The other night when the unborn child started twerking in my tummy, I tried testing out my mommy skills to figure out what she wanted.
I hadn’t eaten much for dinner. Was she hungry?
I reached over to the nightstand’s box of Pop-Tarts that hadn’t been touched since the first trimester. The crinkling foil woke up Ozzy Pups. He moved from my feet and sat close to my stomach…on my right side.
Esme Kitty mimicked his actions, but she sat on my left side.
I gave Ozzy a small piece of Pop-Tart, and then I offered Esme a piece as well. I expected her to turn her nose up at it. It wasn’t meat, cheese, chips, or blueberry muffins, and that’s the extent of her human food diet.
She ate it.
I will eat anything! Even your face!
I was stunned.
Ozzy, who was obviously expecting her rejected piece, was stunned.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. Of course my cat likes Pop-Tarts. Duh.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “You’ve already lost control….”—Ginjuh
Until recently, I thought I was the sole member of Pop-Tart Addicts Anonymous (PAA). I mean, I’ve been the only one showing up for all the meetings.
We I bring cupcakes or cookies since Pop-Tarts aren’t allowed. Obviously.
Now I see that PAA has other members…but they’re just in denial.
One lady called the police on her son when he stole her Pop-Tarts. Depending on my mood that day, the pre-PAA me would have asked…
- You can do that?
- What flavor were they?
- Was it the last pack?
- Did he leave the empty box there with no shiny silver packs inside?
But thanks to PAA, I can now say…
My stepsons eat my Pop-Tarts all the time. I had to get 3 boxes of the chocolate peanut butter flavor before I even got to try one. Did I call the cops? No.
Another man stole Pop-Tarts from a store, and then a truck hit him while he was making his getaway. He must have been too busy stuffing his face to look both ways before crossing the street.
Unless…the person driving the truck saw the Pop-Tarts, and overcome by Pop-Tart addiction, ran the thief over so the driver could have the Pop-Tarts all to himself.
Looks like three new members will be joining the next PAA meeting. I’d better bring extra cookies.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “If that ends up being your baby, Keifer is gonna have some explaining to do.”—Misty’s Laws
I understand that you like fruit, and you’ve introduced peaches, pears, and nectarines to my regular diet. I like real fruit, too, but I’ve really been enjoying your other fruit cravings:
- Candy orange slices
- Fruit Rollups
- Strawberry preserves
- Orange pineapple juice
- Cherry Pop-Tarts
All of these are great ways to get my fruit servings for the day.
I was a little disappointed in you last Thursday at our local fair. Don’t get me wrong: your choice of a homemade apple dumpling topped with ice cream was deeeee-licious. Plus it counts as a fruit.
And when presented with options like deep-fried Snickers, Twinkies, Pop-Tarts, and Oreos, I understand why you passed since I’ve tasted all of those before.
However, I am a little disappointed in you for not choosing Red Velvet funnel cake with cream cheese icing. What were you thinking?
At next year’s fair, you’ll be about 6 months old. You better be up for some solid food by then. We have a reputation to uphold.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “…Otherwise, you may need to get one of those handy dandy plasma shooting guns from GhostBusters, lest you get slimed. Because OBVIOUSLY Kiefer is not going to be any help.”—MistysLaws
The other day I was researching the effects Pop-Tarts might have on my unborn child. I was hoping to find things like:
- For blue eyes, eat blueberry Pop-Tarts.
- For brown eyes, eat smore Pop-Tarts.
- For a baby girl, eat cherry Pop-Tarts.
- For freckles, eat sprinkled Pop-Tarts.
- To cure morning sickness, eat Pop-Tarts at every meal.
Apparently, no research has been done on any of that. Obviously, our economy is still going downhill if important Pop-Tart experiments aren’t being performed.
What I did stumble across was this. A Pop-Tart-hater site.
If this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
This site claims the following:
- The frosting is made from either the blood of a virgin or the saliva of the three-headed canine guardian of Hell’s gate, Cerberus.
- The main ingredient is evil.
- They are usually sold in pairs inside packages made of human flesh.
- If left out after heating, Pop-Tarts take on a very dense and hardened form, making them very convenient for use as crude bladed weapons, or as throwing stars.
Most importantly, frosted Pop-Tarts are not suitable for vegetarians, as they contain gelatin.
Lies! Lies, I tell you! All of this is mere propaganda probably spread by the folks at Toaster Strudel.
I’m onto you, you Strudel-de-doos. I’m onto you….
Haters gonna hate.
Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Wait a minute. No sober person has ever eaten a pickled egg…except now, you, pregnant, eat pickled eggs. Soooooo…pickled eggs where drunk people and pregnant people intersect, but they aren’t allowed to be the same people. I made a really cool Venn Diagram to illustrate this, but I can’t save it.”—Omawarisan