Tag Archives: Princess

Valentine’s Day: It’s Not Just For Couples

My friend Blarney is in a long distance relationship. And if you’ve ever done long distance, you know how frustrating it can be.

Especially when you’ve had a bad day and need a shoulder to lean on. Especially when you’ve had a good day and want to share it with someone.

Especially on Valentine’s Day when red and pink hearts and cute couples doing coupley things are everywhere.

To remind Blarney that even though she’s alone on Valentine’s Day and even though she can’t be with the one she loves…she is still loved, I got her a Valentine’s Day flower. (And I got another friend a chocolate boyfriend.)

I swear I’m not high when I say this, but…Spread the love, people.

Here. I got you a flower, too.

flower

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Hope you’re getting your Cirque du Soleil application in order.”—Chase McFadden


Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall…

I am obsessed with fairytales. The Disney ones and the Grimm ones. I don’t discriminate.

With fairytales, there are always pros and cons. Sure, Cinderella got the Prince, but she had to sleep in the ashes for a few years first. It’s really an underdog story.

I know some people think fairytales show submissive women. But these stories really show how hard women work. The only way Snow White and Sleeping Beauty got some sleep was when a spell forced them to. The men stopped taking the women for granted when they got stuck doing all the work.

Napoleon, Sleepy, Sneezy, Bashful, Doc, Grumpy, and…Chuck.

So here are the pros of fairytale land in Mirror, Mirror:

  • Back in the day, nobody had jobs. They just sang and danced all day.
  • Before lipstick, they used strawberries. Colorful and tasty. Win, win.

Here are the cons:

  • Spas used worms for moisturizing, bees for botox, and bird poo masks and scrubs.
  • Don’t say, “You throw like a girl.” You’ll get kicked by a horse.
  • It’s easy to mix up love potion with a puppy love potion. Then you’re stuck playing fetch every second of the rest of your life.

There is also one neutral, depending on your…tastes:

  • Princes spank princesses with swords.

This is a safe place. No one will judge you if you move that up to the pro list.


It’s Raining Men!

Because Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello were in the movie Kiefer had a guys’ poker night, Blarney, Princess, and I went to see Magic Mike.

Having never been to a strip club, I decided to live vicariously through the movie.

Star-spangled tophats are not standard issue.

  • Stripping isn’t just taking your clothes off. There’s choreography, too.
  • What is that in the corner of the screen? Why, yes, it is a penis pump. With a penis in it.
  • Strippers might need a thong with an elephant trunk.
  • Sometimes guys pretend their penis is a machine gun.
  • Drugs are expensive.
  • To make women scream, throw a prop between your legs.

The most important lesson I learned is never go to a strip club in real life because Channing Tatum won’t be there…and that will be sad.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Adorable—she looks like a bed troll!”—Cestlavie22


Better Living Through Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Remember that commercial that asked “How do you eat your Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup?” I ask a better question…

Where do you eat your Reese’s?

Princess and I went to Washington, DC, to find the perfect place to eat a Reese’s Cup.

First stop…the Washington Monument.

Little did I know “The Reeses” (I named him.) is afraid of heights. So we headed over to the Natural History Museum.

I was about to bite into The Reeses, but the little cup said his last dying wish was to see the dinosaurs. So we went inside.

Velociraptors are allergic to chocolate. That's how this guy died.

This dinosaur totally tried to swipe the Reeses…and so did this guy.

Leggo my Reese's, Neanderthal!

After that close call, The Reeses tried to run away. But he’s not very good at blending in.

After all that walking, I had quite an appetite, so The Reeses and I had to part ways in front of the Capitol Building. I miss that little guy already.

On this historic day, 19 of your favorite humor bloggers are staging a WordPress coup. We have banded together to address the important topic of Better Living Through Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

Yes, you read that right. We are all presenting the same topic, each from his or her particularly unique perspective. Check out the other blogs participating!


It’s the Most Wonderful Time of Year…To Be in the Kitchen

The last week and half I’ve been spending a lot of time in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant.

That’s a lie. I’m not pregnant. And it’s too cold to go barefoot, so I’m wearing socks.

That only leaves spending a lot of time in the kitchen. Which is true.

I’ve also been brushing up on my artistic skills. Artists generally start with simple things like painting a bowl of fruit. Here’s my version:

My lunch. Seriously. Ok, ok, I had 2 cookies.

What? Apple. Banana. Orange Creamsicle Cookie. The orange extract makes that cookie a fruit. That’s my 3 fruit servings for the day in one meal.

I wish I could send all of you some of the yummy cookies I’ve made, but let’s face it: That’s too many stamps. So I’m posting the recipes so you can make your own cookies (and get at least one fruit serving in your day).

Orange Creamsicle Cookies*

  • 1 pouch of sugar cookie mix
  • 4 tbsp melted butter
  • 1.5 tsp vanilla extract
  • 1.5 tsp orange extract
  • 1 egg
  • white chocolate chips
  • 5 drops of yellow food coloring, 2 drops of red food coloring

Mix everything together (chips last), roll into balls, and bake 9-10 minutes at 350.

Smores Cookie Bars*

  • 1 pouch of sugar cookie mix
  • 1 cup graham cracker crumbs
  • 1 cup melted butter
  • 3 cups chocolate chips
  • 1 bag of miniature marshmallows

Mix the cookie mix, butter, and graham crackers. Press it into a 13×9 pan. Bake 18-20 minutes at 375.

Remove from oven. Pour chocolate chips over the crust. In a few minutes, they’ll melt. Spread the chocolate evenly over the crust.

Pour the marshmallows over the chocolate. Set the oven to Broil and place in the oven for about 30 seconds. Watch it so your mallows don’t burn.

I also tested a new blueberry muffin recipe for #13 on my 35 Before 35 list, but they were only ok, so I’m not posting it.

Be on the lookout for a new cookie recipe that I got from Princess’s sister. They may be the best cookies ever. Stay tuned.

And contrary to popular opinion, I do eat things that don’t have sugar in them. I also baked Kim’s macaroni and cheese this weekend. Mmmm….

*The use of crack is optional in both of these recipes. They’re really tasty without it.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 3,107 other followers