Tag Archives: sex

May 9, 2013

Chocolate Challenge: Sleep Around

By thoughtsappear

Remember how I’m taking the Chocolate Challenge and doing everything the chocolate tells me to do?

Now my mom is joining in on the fun.

She came over for dinner, and afterwards…

Thoughtsy’s Mom: May I have one of your chocolates?

Thoughtsy: Sure. But save the wrapper. You need to do whatever it tells you to do.

Thoughtsy’s Mom: ::unwraps chocolate and pops it in her mouth::

Thoughtsy: What does it say?

Indulge in dark.

Indulge in dark.

Thoughtsy’s Mom: “Indulge in dark.” What does that mean?

Thoughtsy: It means…you have to sleep with a Black man.

Thoughtsy’s Mom: ?????

Thoughtsy: It’s ok. I can take this one for you.

23 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Food

February 27, 2013

For a Good Time Call…

By thoughtsappear

Last Friday I went to a “Slumber Party.” To continue the theme, that night I watched For a Good Time Call….

Little did I know that it was a movie about love between friends, loving yourself, and…Kevin Smith and Seth Rogen jerking off. Ok, so maybe I saw that last one coming. Pun intended.

  • Never leave empty cups in your car.
  • If you leave an empty cup in your car, don’t let anyone pee in it.
  • If someone does pee in the empty cup in the car, don’t distract her…unless you want pee in your hair.
  • Panties tied together make excellent streamers.
  • Girls can chest-bump, too.
  • Phone sex jobs don’t offer health insurance.
  • You know you love someone when you see their hair on your soap and you don’t get mad.
This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine.

This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don’t go into yours, you don’t go into mine.

Most importantly, I learned that becoming a phone sex operator takes training. And that training must be reminscient of Dirty Dancing. The only thing missing was the lift.

Favorite Comments From Last Post: “I think the number is 19.4, the .4 being one time where you perform CPR on someone. My research is just as scientific as Cosmo’s.”—The Cannibalistic Nerd

“Good grief! I’m glad this is your blog and not mine. I have probably kissed 1000 men before finding my husbands. Yes, I said husbands (plural)…. I hope nobody leaves you because of me. Signed, your slutty friend and professional bride.”—Linda Medrano

13 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Movies/TV

January 10, 2013

SPAM and the Russian Mafia

By thoughtsappear

An oldie but a goodie….

I just saw the best Spam comment ever. I wanted to approve it (because it was hilarious), but I didn’t want anyone to accidently click on it and get a virus or something nasty.

But here’s the text, minus the links, and plus my inner monologue.

HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia.

Dude, that stinks.

And being forced to post SPAM comments on blogs!

I can’t believe they gave you access to the internet. The Russian Mafia is following my blog? Neat.

(link to Penis Enlargement)

Who knew the mafia had stock in enlargement? Is the Russian Mafia experimenting on you? Sounds like they’re treating you pretty well. Dude, you’re living the dream.

If you don’t approve this, they will kill me. (another link to Penis Enlargement)

Kill you…or enlarge your penis?

They’re coming back now.

Really? ::looking over my shoulder:: I don’t see them. Oh! They’re where you are. Maybe instead of typing that, you should have used that time to formulate an escape or attack or something.

Please send help!

Where? Russia is a pretty big place. And if those enlargement experiments work, you’ll be a god among men. Maybe stick it out a little longer.

After a good chuckle, I started to think…what if it was real? What if I contributed to a man’s death? I stood by idly and did nothing.

Oops.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I often snorkel in my bathtub too. Maybe one day we will swim into each other.”—Brittany

24 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Writing

December 18, 2012

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice to Say…

By thoughtsappear

As I was crossing the parking lot back to my car, I passed 3 older women. Right after I passed them, I heard…

Old Lady: Town whore.

My thoughts: Wow, she sounds pissed off. Is there going to be an old lady smack down?

I kept walking.

Old Lady: ::even louder:: Town whore!

My thoughts: Uhhh…is she talking about me?

What I Wish I’d Said: Takes one to know one!

I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure she was talking about me. What the….

I just ignored them because there were 3 of them…and they were bigger than me and had weapons. One of them had a cane, and all I had was a cup of chicken noodle soup.

How rude. Is my sweater dress a little short? Probably. But my ass isn’t hanging out. It passed the fingertip test.

Passed the fingertip test with a couple inches to spare!

Passed the fingertip test with a couple inches to spare!

Or maybe it was the boots? Is it because they’re knee high? Because they have ties in the back? I always thought they were pirate-like. 

Ties = Whore not Pirate

Ties = Whore not Pirate

Maybe it was my makeup. I was only wearing mascara, but I did layer it on pretty thick. Two coats.

So there you have it: The new definition of “whore” is having sex with 1 person for the past 4.5 years.

Since when does someone’s clothing reflect their sexual actions? I suppose if I had been raped while wearing it, I would have been asking for it, too.

Grrrr…why are people so flippin’ mean? If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

What should I have said? Obviously, I need more practice with comebacks.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I’ve got a ring but is there a Give-The-Husband-The-Cold-Shoulder-Till-He-Unloads-The-Dishwasher-Day?”—Tori Nelson 

47 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Ewww

June 28, 2012

I’ll Be Standing on the Corner

By thoughtsappear

Right before I moved in with Kiefer a couple weeks ago, we had this conversation:

Thoughtsy: So I feel like I should pay you something once I move in with you.

Kiefer: (::jokingly::) You should pay $1,000!

Thoughtsy: What? No! That’s more than I pay now. Plus I’ll spend more on food living here because your kids will eat all my food.

Kiefer: They definitely won’t eat your food. All you eat is broccoli, salads, and fruit.

Thoughtsy: Not that stuff. I mean the Pop-Tarts and ice cream. And the sugary cereal. Radley and I already have a breakfast date with the Double Chocolate Krave cereal.

Kiefer: You do have better cereal.

Thoughtsy: Plus you three are messy. So I’ll constantly be cleaning.

Kiefer: How about you stay here for free if you give me all the sex I want?

Thoughtsy: Um…no.

Kiefer: So $1,000 minus a $600 cleaning fee and a $300 food fee. And then $100 sex fee.

Thoughtsy: You just turned me into a prostitute. And a cheap one. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

30 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , , | posted in Boyfriend

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