Tag Archives: sex

My New Car Is Every 16-Year-Old Boy’s Dream

The two cars I’ve owned had only two doors. Since it was just me, I never needed a car with four doors.

Even that one extremely cold night in college when the girls and I decided…

  • Yes, we needed to go to that frat party.
  • Yes, all nine of us.
  • No, we weren’t going to walk even though it was less than a mile.

Don’t judge. It was all uphill, a little snowy, unwalkable in heels, and no one looks cute bundled up in winter gear. Also…

  • No, we couldn’t take two cars.

So all nine of us piled into my Ford Probe. Which was a less cool version of this one this exact one.

How do you get 9 people in that car? Easy: 1 driver, 2 in the passenger seat, 5 in the backseat, and 1 in the trunk.

Alas, those days are long gone. Strapping a baby into a carseat in the back of a two-door with one tween and one teen (who is now taller than me) seemed like a no go.

So Kiefer and I bought a grown-up SUV.

Or so I thought. My grown-up car has mood lighting.

light

How To Get In Someone’s Pants: Use blue mood lighting.

I may have just bought every 16-year-old boy’s dream car.

I’m totally going to get some.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Good news: IKEA sells cats. Bad news: Once you’ve gotten the tabby 3/4′s assembled, they hobble under the sofa, hiss at you and won’t come out.”—1pointperspective


Why Y’All Gotta Waste My Flavor?

Sometimes I’m too focused. Sometimes that’s a good thing, but sometimes it’s a bad thing. For example, I love the movie Empire Records so much that I forget other movies exist.

So when Darla reminded me that Mark from Empire Records is in other movies, like Can’t Hardly Wait , I rewatched it. And I realized that EVERYONE is in that movie.

Every. One. Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Marshall from How I Met Your Mother, Joy from My Name Is Earl, Les from Newsies, and the list just keeps going.

Anyways, the first 5 minutes of the movie reminded me why it’s awesome: Pop-Tarts.

Pop-Tart

If he had been eating an unfrosted Pop-Tart, I would have turned it off.

Any movie with Pop-Tarts is my kind of movie.

Here’s what I learned:

  • You’re destined to be with someone if you’re both eating Pop-Tarts. (I recently applied this knowledge in my life.)
  • You know what kind of girls are in college? Girls who used to be in high school.
  • If your friend tells you you’re prettier than Gwyneth Paltrow, your friend is lying.
  • Beer doesn’t go bad. It just tastes like that (i.e., bad).
move

Virgins should not attempt this move.

  • You should always carry a bookbag full of sex stuff because you’ll never know when you’ll lose your virginity.
  • There are plenty of trolley cars in the sea.
  • The song “Mandy” is about Barry Manilow’s dog.

Most importantly, I learned that Fate only takes you so far, the rest is upto you.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Do you think the gum is so expensive because it doubles as plane repair adhesive?”—GoJulesGo


Chocolate Challenge: Sleep Around

Remember how I’m taking the Chocolate Challenge and doing everything the chocolate tells me to do?

Now my mom is joining in on the fun.

She came over for dinner, and afterwards…

Thoughtsy’s Mom: May I have one of your chocolates?

Thoughtsy: Sure. But save the wrapper. You need to do whatever it tells you to do.

Thoughtsy’s Mom: ::unwraps chocolate and pops it in her mouth::

Thoughtsy: What does it say?

Indulge in dark.

Indulge in dark.

Thoughtsy’s Mom: “Indulge in dark.” What does that mean?

Thoughtsy: It means…you have to sleep with a Black man.

Thoughtsy’s Mom: ?????

Thoughtsy: It’s ok. I can take this one for you.


For a Good Time Call…

Last Friday I went to a “Slumber Party.” To continue the theme, that night I watched For a Good Time Call….

Little did I know that it was a movie about love between friends, loving yourself, and…Kevin Smith and Seth Rogen jerking off. Ok, so maybe I saw that last one coming. Pun intended.

  • Never leave empty cups in your car.
  • If you leave an empty cup in your car, don’t let anyone pee in it.
  • If someone does pee in the empty cup in the car, don’t distract her…unless you want pee in your hair.
  • Panties tied together make excellent streamers.
  • Girls can chest-bump, too.
  • Phone sex jobs don’t offer health insurance.
  • You know you love someone when you see their hair on your soap and you don’t get mad.
This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine.

This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don’t go into yours, you don’t go into mine.

Most importantly, I learned that becoming a phone sex operator takes training. And that training must be reminscient of Dirty Dancing. The only thing missing was the lift.

Favorite Comments From Last Post: “I think the number is 19.4, the .4 being one time where you perform CPR on someone. My research is just as scientific as Cosmo’s.”—The Cannibalistic Nerd

“Good grief! I’m glad this is your blog and not mine. I have probably kissed 1000 men before finding my husbands. Yes, I said husbands (plural)…. I hope nobody leaves you because of me. Signed, your slutty friend and professional bride.”—Linda Medrano


SPAM and the Russian Mafia

An oldie but a goodie….

I just saw the best Spam comment ever. I wanted to approve it (because it was hilarious), but I didn’t want anyone to accidently click on it and get a virus or something nasty.

But here’s the text, minus the links, and plus my inner monologue.

HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia.

Dude, that stinks.

And being forced to post SPAM comments on blogs!

I can’t believe they gave you access to the internet. The Russian Mafia is following my blog? Neat.

(link to Penis Enlargement)

Who knew the mafia had stock in enlargement? Is the Russian Mafia experimenting on you? Sounds like they’re treating you pretty well. Dude, you’re living the dream.

If you don’t approve this, they will kill me. (another link to Penis Enlargement)

Kill you…or enlarge your penis?

They’re coming back now.

Really? ::looking over my shoulder:: I don’t see them. Oh! They’re where you are. Maybe instead of typing that, you should have used that time to formulate an escape or attack or something.

Please send help!

Where? Russia is a pretty big place. And if those enlargement experiments work, you’ll be a god among men. Maybe stick it out a little longer.

After a good chuckle, I started to think…what if it was real? What if I contributed to a man’s death? I stood by idly and did nothing.

Oops.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “I often snorkel in my bathtub too. Maybe one day we will swim into each other.”—Brittany


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