Tag Archives: Why I Gain 5 Pounds Every Winter

Not on Apple Dumpling Day

Dear Baby,

It’s fall. You know what that means?  It’s overstuff-yourself-with-yummy-dessert season.* This season begins on Halloween and runs until the last Christmas cookie is dipped in hot chocolate and devoured.

*Pumpkin pie is not included in this season in our house. In fact, even uttering the word “pumpkin” will get you a mouth full of soap.

Up until this point, I’ve tolerated your fruity cravings and indulged you with popsicles instead of ice cream. But now…now we need to talk.

While I appreciate that you’re no longer squishing my bladder, I’m asking you to occasionally stop squishing my stomach. If that means returning to bladder bouncing, so be it.

The other day work was selling warm, homemade apple dumplings. Warm. Homemade. As if that wasn’t enough, a scoop of vanilla ice cream graced the top and meltily trickled down the sides.

And I couldn’t finish it.

Lucky for you, no one saw the leftover goodness in my trashcan.

Thanksgiving is just over a week away. Step up your game. We have a reputation to uphold.

Sincerely,

Your Mama

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “My favorite response from IT is ‘I realize you’re young and tech savy, but my boss remembers when the technology of calculators could run the space missions; and I’m being recorded, so as much as I hate it, I need you to unplug the computer and plug it back in.’”—The Jessence


5 Days Post Halloween and Only 387 Pieces of Candy Left

Kiefer and I always take a “cut” of Boo’s and Radley’s candy on Halloween night.

Because I feel guilty, my cut is about 5 pieces from each boy, and it’s dark chocolate or candy that they don’t like. For Boo, that meant Almond Joys, and for Radley, that meant Milky Way Darks. I love both.

Kiefer, on the other hand, takes a greater percentage. And over the next couple weeks, he also gradually sneaks a handful or two to take to work.

The boys ended up with at least 3 times this much candy.

Upon inspection of all their candy, we found about 6 full-size candy bars in each bag. What the…. I NEVER got a full-size candy bar in all my years of trick-r-treating.

This Halloween I met one kid who deserved a full-size candy bar…and it wasn’t because he had an amazing costume.

Our neighbors set up a Yard Haunt. It’s a miniwalk through their yard to the front door. Scary guys in costume jump out at you. We hear a lot of screaming, and we enjoy it because we’re awful people who take pleasure in the screams of others.

One boy skipped the Yard Haunt, and we felt scream-deprived. So when he came to our porch, this happened:

Kid: Trick-R-Treat!

Kiefer: I’ll give you extra candy if you go next door.

Kid: I’m not doing that! It’s too scary! Last year, I pooped my pants!

That kid, and only that kid, deserved a full-size candy bar on Halloween.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Stop complaining….21-lb boobs will make you popular.”—Carmen


I Do Whatever the Chocolate Tells Me

Tuesday and Wednesday work was hot. And when I got home after work…my apartment’s AC was broken. Of course. Welcome to my life.

The heat sent me into an extreme sloth-like state. Because it was too hot to make my own decisions, I decided to put the responsibility on someone else.

Remember when the Dove chocolate gave me a sign? Well…I’ve decided to let chocolate dictate my life.

That’s right: a dessert dictator. It was that or the Magic 8 Ball.

I’m saving all the wrappers from my Dove chocolate, and I’m doing what the chocolate tells me to do.

This is the first wrapper:

Do what feels right.

Do what feels right. Obviously, it felt right to eat the lower left corner of the wrapper.

What feels right is…to have another piece of chocolate.

The next wrapper said:

Indulge your every whim.

Indulge your every whim.

This confirmed that the second piece was ok.

I think I’m going to like this challenge.

Have a great weekend! I’ll be in Pittsburgh, so let me know what to check out while I’m there.

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Be careful, Thoughtsy. One minute you’re posting a pic of your hot, sweaty thighs, the next you’re addicted to sexting. Slippery slope….”—BluzDude


3.14…Did Someone Say Pi?

Math is not one of my strengths. It used to be. I rocked math until 11th grade. That’s when I took Pre-Calc and Trig, earned my first C, and it was all downhill from there.

I swore off math forever. Well…until I was required to take a math class in college. Then Math and I came to agreement. Math agreed to leave me alone as long as I retained the basic skills needed to balance my checkbook or convert measurements for baking. After that, we shook hands and went our separate ways.

Until now. Tomorrow is 3-14: Pi Day.

When the Accidental Stepmom announced her Pi Day Pie Challenge, I decided to let a small slice of math back into my life.

May I present to you…my Pi Day Pie.

The recipe came from NanaBread. But the center decoration  of Cherry 3 Musketeers was all my idea.

I hope I didn't go overboard on the syrup.

I hope I didn’t go overboard on the syrup.

I may have added even more chocolate syrup after this picture was taken.

There’s till time to submit your own pie! You have until midnight tonight!

Favorite Comment From Last Post: “Friends don’t let friends drunk dance with aliens. That’d make a great t-shirt.”—Chase McFadden


Fire Safety Tips From My Cat

Esme recently discovered my apartment’s fireplace. I never use it because it’s wood-burning, not gas. And a real fire in my apartment means easy access to smores 24/7 which means packing on 5 extra pounds  just seems like a recipe for disaster.

Fireplace1

You can’t see me.

I’m not sure why she’s always in there, but I have a few ideas:

  • Santa Claus is her idol.
  • She thinks it’s the safest place to be during an earthquake.
  • In case the apartment catches on fire, she has an escape route.
  • She’s auditioning for a play in which she will play…a log.
Fireplace

How do you close this? I need some priv-a-cy.

Why is Esme Kitty in the fireplace? Does your pet have a favorite spot?


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